How To Know If You've Become An Enabler (And What To Do About It)

Being an enabler (or engaging in codependent behavior) is an easy relational trap to fall into. We love the people in our relationships and we want the best for them. Sometimes we want good things for them even more than they want them for themselves. That’s when things can become unhealthy. When we enable others, we assume an unhealthy amount of responsibility for their life, which allows them to become more and more irresponsible. It is a broken way to relate to people, and often ends in pain for both parties. Here are some signs that could indicate that you are becoming an enabler:

You Are Doing Things That They Could Do Themselves

This doesn’t include cleaning the bathroom for your spouse once in a while, or doing the dishes when it’s not your night. Unexpectedly doing things for others is a great way to show them that we care for them. When we consistently do the chores and tasks of others, we have begun to act in codependent ways. People need to carry their share of the responsibility in a relationship, if they don’t, they will become unhealthy. When you refuse to allow others to carry their load, you are not making the relationship stronger, you are damaging it. If your child has a paper due tomorrow, let them do it! It’s better for them to get a “D” on their own, or with some help from you, than it is to get an “A” because you wrote it for them.

You Are Only Happy If They Are Happy

We all want the people we love to be happy, but no one is happy all of the time. Some days are tough. Sometimes we get sad or angry. It’s all part of being human, and its ok. Wanting others to be happy and needing them to be happy are two very different things. If you can’t be happy when your child is angry at you, or if your friend is not talking to you, then you are in an unhealthy place. When you depend on the positive reactions of others to feel good about yourself, you will very rarely feel good about yourself. Each person in a relationship has to be responsible for their own choices and emotions.

Once you see some of these traits sneaking in to your relationships, you need to take action to set things right. Take a second to remind yourself that you don’t have the power to change other people. They alone own the key to their change. You can help people and you can love people, but you can’t make them successful, and you can’t make them love you back. The fact that you love the people in your life through their ups and downs is more important than trying to protect them from having any downs at all. Hang in there, healthy relationships aren't always easy, but they are always worth the effort!

How Questions Can Make Your Relationships Stronger

Companies can operate by force, with bosses barking orders and employees scurrying to do anything they can to please. Many teams are governed by force, with coaches or star players making demands. True relationships are must more intricate, however. Relationships can't survive for long in the midst of coercion, manipulation, or power struggles. That is why honest questions can do so much to make our relationships stronger. Noting the importance of questions, Athol Dickson once wrote, “I have learned that sometimes asking questions is a way to demonstrate humility, because inherent in the question is the assumption that I do not have the answer; God does.1” The humility we show when we ask questions makes our relationships with God and with other people stronger. Here are some of the ways that questions add value to your relationships:

They Give Freedom

When you take the time to ask someone for their opinion or for their perspective on things, you are giving them the freedom to have and express thoughts of their own. Life is easier when everyone shares your opinion, but that rarely happens. The next best thing to agreement is honesty. When you give someone the freedom to be honest, your relationship can grow stronger, even if you disagree.   

They Educate

You think that all of your opinions are the correct ones. Of course you do, or you wouldn’t have those opinions! There’s nothing wrong with believing you are right. Everyone does. The problem comes when you believe that you could never be wrong. We are all wrong sometimes. Asking questions to our kids, spouse, or co-workers gives us a chance to see things that we haven’t seen. We can learn new things and form new opinions that are healthier and stronger. Asking a good question and then honestly listening to its answer helps us grow.

They Add Value

When you ask someone a question you are implicitly saying, “you are a person of value, and I believe that you can add value to my life”. It’s easy to assume we have all of the answers, and to feel that stopping to ask questions is a waste of time. That assumption, however, weakens our relationships. When we ask honest questions, even of our youngest children, we are reminding others that they see things we can’t see, and have ideas that we don’t possess. It reminds others that we are better together than we are apart, and that they are important to us. 

Asking questions reminds us that we don't have all of the answers, and that we were made to live life with others. If you haven't taken the time to ask some honest questions to those around you in a while, make a point of doing it today, you'll be glad you did.  

1 - The Gospel According to Moses by Athol Dickson (pp.21)

Why Saying "I'm Sorry" Isn't Working Anymore: How To Apologize In A Relational Way

I grew up in a small town in the mountains of western North Carolina. Every home town has its own unique set of rules that seem to be relatively constant throughout the area. In the hometown (and the south in general), we were taught to say, “I’m sorry”. If we had done something wrong, or if anyone thought we had done something wrong, we knew what to say. We said it whether we were sorry or not. We said it because we knew choking out, “I’m sorry” now was better than dealing with mom or dad when we got home.   

I’ve noticed that as adults many of us haven’t gotten any better with our forced apologies. Many times people do or say hurtful things and then toss out an “I’m sorry”, as if it will make everything better. Some people believe that the words “I’m sorry” are magical words that take away all of the consequences of their behavior. Nobody likes to hurt someone or make a mistake. When we realize that we have, we want to get past it as quickly as possible. As painful as it may be, however,  a quick “I’m sorry” just isn’t enough. Here are a couple of things to remember that will allow you to relate in a better way when you’ve hurt someone:

Explain Why You're Sorry

I’m sorry or I apologize is the only the beginning of a what needs to be a longer sentence. If you’ve messed up, take some time and own what you’ve done. Be clear about what it is you are apologizing for. If you aren’t sure what you’ve done, don’t just say “I’m sorry” to get the tension to go away. Ask what you’ve done, and if it was wrong, apologize for it. Also, take a second and think about how your words or actions have affected the person you have wronged. When someone believes that you understand how they feel, they are more likely to forgive you and move forward in the relationship.

Make a Visible Change

Words are good. Actions are better. If you have hurt someone, as much as you are able, take action to set things right. We won’t always be able to make things right, but when we can we should try. Also, once you’ve apologized for something, you should work hard to avoid repeating that behavior. Saying, “I’m sorry” only to repeat what you did over and over is pointless. If there is nothing that you feel you need to change, you probably shouldn’t be apologizing. Which brings us to the third point:

If You Aren’t Sorry, Don’t Apologize

Apologizing isn’t a tool to make conflict go away. It is a way of saying what is or is not acceptable in your relationship. If your spouse doesn’t like how loudly you play your music, but you see no problem with it, don’t apologize just to end the tension. If you apologize you are saying that playing your music loudly is wrong and that you don’t plan to do it again, which is not what you are saying. You are saying, “I want you to stop being mad, and I plan to play my music again when you are not so mad.” Having those hard conversations about what we feel is acceptable and what is not in our relationships is one of the things that make relationships strong. So don’t avoid it! 

Having the courage to own what we've done and apologize is an impressive relationship skill. It's more than saying "I'm sorry". As hard as it is, owning what we've done wrong can strengthen our relationships. So, be sorry if you must but be honest no matter what. Your relationships will grow because of it!

3 Things That Are Keeping You From Saying "No" (and what you can do about it)

One thing all people who are relationally healthy have in common is the ability to say “no”. Most people struggle with using “no” in a healthy way. Three of the primary reasons people avoid saying “no” are:

            1)We don’t want to disappoint anyone

                       

I was once given the following piece of advice: If someone asks you to do something at work, always say yes, you can always figure out how to get it done later. At first glance it would seem that being the person who always finds a way to get everything done is a great way to advance in your company. The reality, however, is that it’s impossible to always get everything done. The more we add to our plate, the more likely we are to not complete our assignments or to do them poorly.  Nobody wants to let down their boss or organization, but saying that you can do everything when you can’t won’t endear you to your company. Everyone has expectations of you. Their expectations are not your problem. Have clear, ambitious, and realistic expectations of yourself. If people are not satisfied with that, nothing you can do will ever satisfy them.

            2)We don’t want to make anyone angry

                       

If you have someone in your life that manipulates others with their anger, then you have experienced this one. It’s easy to believe that if you do your job well, no one will ever get angry at you. While that would be a nice world to live in, it doesn’t exist. People get angry for hundreds of reasons. While it’s not fun to deal with some else’s anger, it’s dangerous to change your behavior to try to avoid it. You don’t have the power to make people angry. They choose whether to get angry or not. Sometimes their anger is justified, sometimes it’s not. Either way, changing yourself in an attempt to pacify others is a bad decision.

            3)We don’t really know ourselves

                       

Another reason we avoid saying “no” is that we don’t really know what we want. If you don’t have clear opinions about which direction you are going in life, then you are likely to defer to others who seem more confident. It’s ok to not have all of the answers, but it’s not ok to place the direction of your life in the hands of other people. Take some time to review where you are right now in life and where you want to go. It may take a few hours to think through, or you may need to get away for a couple of days. The more clear you are about your life direction, the better able you will be to say “no” when it is needed.

The Right Way To Be Wrong

To err is human…

-Alexander Pope

Alexander Pope knew us pretty well. We all mess up. We all fail. It’s a given for all humans. How we handle our failure and mistakes is what sets people apart. How can we respond to our own failures in ways that lead to growth and success?

If we are to deal well with failure we have to rid ourselves of the toxic responses we often have when things don't go well with us. Few things are more toxic than blame.

Toxic Response to Failure #1: Blame Others

This response to failure goes back all the way to the beginning. The first man to walk the planet had made his first mistake, broken his first rule, failed his first test. He ate the one thing that was off limits. How did he respond? 

Eve made me do it. 

And how did Eve handle Adam dumping all of the responsibility on to her?

The snake made me do it. 

We’ve been blaming others for our problems ever since.

       Why did you yell at your sister?

            Because she made me angry!

       Why is the project late?

            It's not my fault, Bob took too long getting the numbers to me.

We do it without even thinking.

And who can blame us? Anger feels much better than hurt. It hurts to admit you were wrong. It’s much more fun to be angry. Also, there’s an added bonus. If it’s someone else’s fault, then fixing it is someone else’s responsibility. Not only do we not have to feel the pain of being wrong, we don’t have to do the hard work of fixing the problem. It’s a win-win.  Except that it isn’t.

When you blame others, you effectively stop growing. If there are parts of you or things you have done that you can’t be honest with yourself about, growth is impossible. The truth is that we are impacted by others, and many times their mistakes do indeed impact our own, but we alone are responsible for our decisions, our emotions, and our attitudes.

So, don’t pretend that others haven’t hurt you. They have, and mostly likely they will again. But, be honest with yourself about your part of the mess. That’s the only part you have any power to fix, and owning that is the beginning of true growth and character development. 

The Law of Relational Momentum: How To Keep Your Relationships Strong

I have a favorite coffee shop in town that I go to when I get stuck in a creative rut. It’s an edgy place with great coffee. Sometimes a change of environment can make a huge difference in your thinking.  I’m amazed when I go there at how all of the employees seem to be in constant motion. If they aren’t taking orders, they are making drinks. If they aren’t making drinks they are preparing food. If they aren’t  preparing food, they head out amongst the patrons and wipe down any table that is open. I’ve seen them wipe the same table 3 or 4 times before anyone new comes to sit down. It’s almost impossible to sit at a messy table in that place.

It’s a good business strategy, but it’s a good relational strategy as well. Not the staying in constant motion part, but the idea of doing what you can, when you can. Sometimes we don’t recognize that our relationships are struggling until they are broken and bleeding. Waiting to attend to your relationships until there are problems is like waiting until your engine is smoking to get the oil changed in your car. By that point the damage is done, and sometimes the damage is irreparable. Doing what you can while you can may simply be starting a conversation. It may be making sure your wife gets a break from the kids. It might be stopping what you are doing so you can watch some TV with your son. It doesn’t take much to keep relationships healthy, but it takes a ton to bring them back when they become unhealthy. Here are a couple of the benefits of doing what you can when you can:

It Limits The Amount Of Unseen Damage That Is Being Done

One of the challenges of relationships is that the person you care for may be struggling without you ever being aware of it. Some people process internally, and they may be hurting a long time before it becomes visible. When it does become visible, there is usually a lot of damage to address. Relating in small ways when things seem ok keeps that sort of hidden damage from festering. 

It Limits The Amount Of Work Needed

My best friend and I learned an important truth in high school. Neither of us had great cars. Cars are totaled when the damage done to them exceeds the value of the car. If either of us broke a cup holder in our car, they would have been totaled. So, we both had opportunities to push our cars (into the gas station, into a rolling start, etc…). We learned the crucial lesson that it’s easier to maintain momentum than it is to create it. Getting a car rolling is a challenge (especially if your best friend’s car is made of more steel than a battleship). Once you got it rolling, however, it was easier to keep it moving. The same is true of relationships. It takes less work to keep the fire of a relationship going than it does to start a fire once the it's out. Doing what you can, when you can keeps the fire going.

It Keeps You Relationally Awake

It’s easy to lose focus and become numb to things that have an everyday presence in our life. Continuing to ask, confess, invite, and listen keeps us relationally alive. It reminds us that we have relational work to do every day. Most days that work doesn’t seem like work at all, other days it might. The way to stay relationally awake and aware is to consistently make your relationships a priority. Give the time, say the words, do the work. It will add to you relational effectiveness and enjoyment. 

When you do what you can, when you can, you'll find that a little bit of effort at the right time can go a long way. Take some time today to think about what you can do to add value to the people around you. Your relationships are worth the effort. 

 

How Good Questions Build Strong Relationships

The heart of this blog is relationships, how to enjoy them, and how to repair them when they have broken down. For that reason, I write a good deal about communication. Communication is the life blood of relationships. Couples that communicate well tend to have strong marriages. Families that communicate well handle adversity better than other families. Work places where good communication exists are more productive and more enjoyable. One component of good communication that is often overlooked is the importance of good questions. Communication thrives when it includes the right kind of questions. Here are a few of the things good questions can do to make your communication better and your relationships stronger:

Good Questions Invite Conversation

Good questions are open-ended, that is, they can’t be answered with a simple yes or no, but invite greater explanation. If someone in your family or work isn’t incredibly talkative, a good question will keep them from simply answering yes or no. Sometimes people just need to find a comfort level in a conversation before they open up and relax. Good questions will help them do that. For example, “Did you go to the game this weekend?” isn’t a good question. “How was the game this weekend?” is much more likely to start a conversation.

Good Questions Welcome Different Opinions

We’ve all been in conversations where someone is rambling on about how much they hate this political candidate and that new album, and about how anyone who eats fast food is irresponsible. It’s hard to find a place in that conversation to offer up that you are actually voting for the candidate that they hate so much, and that you just bought that new album which you plan to listen to on the way home after you hit the McDonald’s drive-thru. Good questions allows people to have their own opinion. If you can’t talk with someone you disagree with, you will spend your life talking with the small number of people who think exactly as you do, or with people who don’t mind lying to you to humor you. Differences are not to be feared. We can learn from them, and they can often add to our enjoyment of the other person. Good questions allow honest disagreement.

Good Questions Show That I Care

It can be easy to talk about what’s going on with me without even realizing that we haven’t talked about you yet. Good questions show that I care about what’s going on with you. They allow me to hear about your day and learn more about you. When you are asked a question and you feel that the person asking really cares about the answer, you feel valued. That value will make the conversation flow more smoothly and will add enjoyment to the relationship.

Struggling with a relationship in your life? Take a second to think up some good questions. It will make the communication easier and over time will make the relationship stronger.

Photo Courtesy of Death To Stock Photo

Not All Communication Is Relational: How To Know If You Are Relating When You Communicate

As a minister and counselor, I’ve sat across from countless couples who were seeking to restore, repair, or rebuild their families. When I asked what they felt the biggest problem in their relationship was, the overwhelming majority answered, “communication”. Everyone knows that communication is an essential component of healthy relationships, but did you know that not all communication is relational? Here are three signs that your communication isn’t making your relationships stronger:

Your communication is only to give or receive information.

Many people only communicate when they need to find out information. “What time is soccer practice tomorrow?” Are you picking up dinner tomorrow night or should we make something here?” “Did you pay the electric bill last month?” This sort of communication is important, and relationships struggle without it. If, however, this is the only communication that’s going on in your family, the bonds that hold you together are growing weaker by the day. Communication isn’t always about getting answers, sometimes it’s about being known. There needs to be conversations that take place simply to let the other person know what’s on your mind. Sometimes we just need to talk things out, other times we simply need to be heard.

Your communication doesn’t foster a greater understanding of the other person.

This builds on the last point. Healthy communication isn’t just about information: “how much did the plumber charge us?”, it’s about the people who are talking back and forth. The amount of the plumber's bill is important, but it’s also important to know why your wife is so afraid of the family running out of money. You should learn why your husband feels humiliated to have someone else make repairs in the house, or maybe you should find out why your spouse seems checked out about the whole process. Communicating is a way of getting to know the people around you better,and every challenge that comes up is an opportunity to communicate and connect.  If none of your conversations lead to a better understanding of the person you are talking to, then you are missing something.

Your communication is all statements and no questions.

When someone never asks questions you can assume that they either want to control the conversation they are having or that they don’t really care what you think about things. Questions open people up. When I ask a question, I am making space for a conversation to go someplace I didn’t foresee, which can be scary, but healthy.  Questions allow my conversations to become less about me and more about the person I am talking to. When two people in a relationship are willing to ask honest questions from time to time, and not simply blurt out what they think, the relationship grows stronger.

All relationships need communication, but all communication isn’t relational. Take some time today and ask the people around you a few questions and get to know them better. You will be communicating more effectively and your relationships will become more enjoyable.

3 Ways To Have Healthy Debates (Without Being A Politician)

Depending on when you are reading this post, either the Republican primary debate is about to happen or has just happened. It’s been all over the news, possibly because there’s not a ton of other news, or maybe because there are 72 candidates. For all of their hype, political debates rarely deliver what they promise. The hope is that we would be able to get straight answers and information about candidates that would help us be more informed as voters. Normally the avoidance, posturing, and jabbing back and forth doesn’t give us anything we didn’t already know. But what about in our own relationships at home and with friends, is there a place for healthy debate? Can facing the issues we disagree on make us stronger? It can if we remember these three things:

Explaining Helps, Trying To Convince Does Not

There is a difference between explaining your thoughts and trying to force your opinion on someone else. The first inspires further communication, the second shuts it down. It’s human nature to want to convince someone of your point. After all, you are very convinced of its truth or merits. When you push too much without considering someone else’s thoughts you've made the argument more important than the person.  Take a deep breath, explain yourself and what you think to the best of your ability and then give the other person a chance to do the same.

Focusing On The Issue Helps, Getting Personal Does Not

When we have heated opinions and disagreements it’s easy to stop talking about the issue at hand and to begin talking about the other person. This incredibly damaging practice is called an ad hominem argument. “What’s wrong with you?!” and “What kind of person could think that?!” are usually an indication that you’ve stopped debating the issue and are attacking the person. Nothing destroys relationship quicker than personal attacks.

Talking Helps, Ignoring Does Not

Disagreeing isn’t something to avoid. It’s an honest part of every relationship. If we are not disagreeing about something somewhere then we probably aren’t being honest. Healthy doesn’t mean sameness. It’s ok to have differing opinions. That sort of friction is often the cause of a lot of growth in relationships.  Damage comes when we avoid talking about things that matter to us because we fear that we will disagree. That sort of stagnation leads to frustration and weakened relationships.

Debating ideas can be a good thing if you are courteous and have honest expectations. It can be a healthy tool for families and friendships. (Just don’t expect the politicians to be good role models for debate etiquette!)

How To Live With And Enjoy The Extroverts In Your Life

Having healthy relationships means learning to relate to lots of different kinds of people. This can be tough sometimes, because most of us generally assume that the things that work for me will work when relating to others. That’s not always the case. In fact, more times than not we are drawn to people who are very different from us. What works for us may not work for them at all. With that in mind, this post is the beginning of a series that will help you learn how to relate well to those around you. Our first target, your favorite outgoing extroverts.

If you don’t know what an extrovert is, just look around a crowded room for the person in the middle of a large group. If that doesn’t work, listen a second for the laugh that seems to be rising above the crowd. If that still doesn’t do it, target the person wearing bright reds, oranges, turquoises, or anything that sparkles. When you find that person, odds are you have found an extrovert.

We all have extroverts in our life, it’s hard not to. They are the life of any party and tons of fun. Their optimistic view of life and energy can be contagious. Extroverts like the rest of us however, are imperfect. The good news is that their imperfections are somewhat predictable. Knowing some of what to expect of your extrovert will enable you to love them well. Here are a few things to remember about the extroverts in your life:

Everything Feels Bigger

Extroverts are very passionate people and those passions can run both ways. While extroverts can be the happiest people on the planet, their anger can be pretty intense as well. If extroverts have filters they rarely use them. If they think it, they say it.  In fact, they may say it without pausing for much thought at all.  If they are angry, you will know it. The neighbors might as well. The good news is that the anger is very short lived. While it burns hot, it burns out quickly, and then they are ready to make up and move on. So if your favorite extrovert is angry, just hang on for a bit, and they'll be in a better place to sort things out.

Everything Sounds Bigger

Because extroverts feel things so intensely, their explanations also tend to be pretty intense. If you asked an introvert about their run, they might say, “Went pretty good, little rain”. An extrovert will tell you, “Oh my gosh! Right when I was about to turn the corner where they lady with the cute dogs lives, it began to flood. It was literally like getting hit by hail, the drops were so big. I could hardly see the path anymore. I think some of the trail may even have washed away!”. It’s not that they’re lying, although the facts may be embellished a bit. Extroverts tend to exaggerate. No extrovert has ever caught a fish that was less than 3 feet long. They aren’t just telling you what happened, they are telling you what they feel, and that's pretty big sometimes. So, don’t overreact, and don’t feel misled. You may have to question them a bit to get more realistic answers, or if you are able, just enjoy their stories. They are never dull!

Proper Care of Extroverts

Extroverts have high social energy. Another way to say that is that they get their batteries recharged in social situations. They love to be around groups of people. If your extrovert is struggling, it might be a good idea to take them for dinner in a crowded restaurant. Or walk around a busy mall where they can strike up conversations with other people. Odds are that it won’t take long for your extrovert to be feeling better.

Extroverts are amazing people and are incredible friends, spouses, and co-workers. Just remember they may not see the world the way you do. That’s not bad, in fact it’s good to have people around you who sees things in a different light. Remembering these few things about extroverts will allow you to love them well and appreciate them for who they are.

Photo Courtesy of Death To Stock Photo

The One Thing People Need From You (And How You Are Depriving Them Of It)

We need you.

Your friends need you. Your spouse needs you. Your kids need you. Your co-workers need you. People in your community that you have yet to meet, need you. They don’t need tons of your time or money or help, although those things are nice. What they need most, is something only you can give.

They need your experience.

You have made tons of decisions in your life, some good and some not so good. You have succeeded and failed. You have loved and possibly even been hurt in a relationship. As Christians, we believe that God is wrapped up in all of those events in life. He’s in the good. He’s there for us during the bad. The story of how God has interacted with you during those times in your life is a valuable gift that can be shared with others. When Moses was encouraging the nation of Israel before they entered the land of Canaan to live, he told them to love and serve God, “For your eyes have seen all the great work of the Lord that he did.” (Deuteronomy 11:7). Some wisdom isn’t found it books, it comes from a life lived, from what our eyes have seen and our ears have heard. Sadly, most of us never pass on (or sometimes even notice) the amazing things that we have learned. If you want to give your most valuable resource to the people that need it most, here are three things you need to start doing:

1)Watch

Sometimes life happens to you without you even noticing. It’s easy to get so caught up in the frantic pace of our lives, looking ahead to the future, that we forget that God is up to something here and now. There is something He is wanting to show you on even the most ordinary days. If you don’t watch for it, you might miss it. The large, dramatic events of our life aren’t the only time that God shows up. He’s always with you, which means there is always something new for you to see and learn.

2)Reflect

Setting up a time each day to look back and reflect on what happened is one of the most overlooked spiritual disciplines. Reflection is hugely important. It’s our chance to wrap our mind around our day, and to sort out all that went on, and all that it means. St. Ignatius set a time each evening to look back over his day and to talk to God about the good and the bad. Not only does setting a time of reflection sort out our own thoughts, it allows us to package the information that we hope to pass on to others.

3)Tell

It’s easy to believe that people don’t really care about what you have to say, and sometimes they don’t. That doesn’t change the value of what you have to offer. The ways you have seen God interact with you in your life is a valuable story for others. Some may ignore it, but others will cherish it. So, tell your story, and let others decide what they will do with it. All you can do is share, the rest is up to them.

You have a story to tell, and there are people who desperately need to hear it. So, take some time today and make a call or schedule a visit and share your heart. You’ll be glad you did.

Why Your Use Of The Truth May Be Pushing People Away

Last year a recurring problem in Somalia made the world news. People throughout the world were reaching out and sending food, medicine, and other critical supplies to help starving people in that country. The supplies, however, rarely reached the people that needed them so desperately. They were often intercepted by the very warlords and militias that had contributed to the poverty stricken condition the people were in. Once this problem was exposed and studied, it would have been insane to continue to blindly send aid in the same manner as before. Aid would still be needed, but the question of how to get the aid to the people who needed it would have to be addressed.

I love wrestling with difficult questions and seeking answers to problems. I used to believe that supplying people with the correct answers to their questions (often whether they asked or not) was one of the most important things you could do in life. I still believe that honest answers to questions are important, but I’ve learned something else now as well. In the same way that simply dumping food and medicine into Somalia had stopped doing any good for the people who needed it, simply dumping answers on people who I think may need them doesn’t do any good either. It’s possible that the people you are trying to help are no longer listening to the answers that you are offering. Here are three things to remember as you seek to help others:

1)Love comes before answers, not vice versa

A major failing of the church in the past 30 years is that it has often been focused on teaching its people right answers instead of teaching them how to love. We then unleash them on their jobs, communities, and schools to go spread the right answers. It’s been like sending someone to change light bulbs with a hammer. God’s plan for people is to love first and always. Everything else comes after that. If the person you are talking to doesn’t know that they are loved, the will never care about your answers.

2)Acts of love give meaning to words of love

It’s important to tell the people you care for that you love them. You should do it as often as you can, in as many ways as you can. Just saying the words isn’t enough though. In our fast-paced, hectic world one of the most difficult challenges we face is the fact that love takes time. Quick answers won’t do the trick, even if they are the right answers. Your co-worker that you care about, who keeps wrecking her life with toxic relationships, already knows that her relationships are awful. What she needs is someone who will spend time with her and love her even when she is a mess. Over time that love will help her find the courage to make the changes she needs to make. Sometimes the answers that people need can be delivered without saying a word.

3)Don't Rush In With An Answer

A quick answer to a heartfelt question can often make someone feel dumb or lazy. When people have the courage to ask a question our first goal should be to meet them where they are and to make sure they know that we care for them. For example, let’s say your middle school son comes in and says, “I’m sick of studying, everybody else just cheats on the quizzes and they have a better grade than I do. I’m not going to study anymore.” You could answer, “Christians don’t cheat. Those kids are going to have to answer for God one day for what they did in sixth grade Civics. Now, go study.” You just offered an 8 second solution to a problem that has been stressing your son all day. No matter how good you think your answers are, that’s a lousy way to treat someone. Take some time to appreciate where your son is before you jump in. Maybe something like, “Wow, that’s got to be really stressful. I think I would be super angry if that happened to me.” Let him know that what’s he feeling makes sense before you cram an answer down his throat. Better yet, work with him to help him find an answer, rather than just dropping one on his head.

When we love people, we try to help them. We try to answer questions. We try to solve problems, which is good because people need what you have to offer. While most of our efforts are motivated by love, just like the aid sent to the Somalian people, our help doesn’t always reach its intended target. Our preoccupation with giving answers often pushes people away.  Let your friends, children, and co-workers know that you have love for them before you let them know that you have answers for them. By doing so, you may help them receive and enjoy both.

Photo Courtesy of Death To Stock Photo

The One Thing That All Smart People Know

The most brilliant people on the planet all share one piece of knowledge. They all know something that adds to their greatness and allows them to achieve remarkable things. What is that one thing they know? They know that they don’t know everything and thus greatness never occurs in isolation. To put it another way, smart people surround themselves with smart people. It’s impossible to know everything about every topic and brilliant people don’t even try. Partnering with others who have unique intelligence and skill frees you up to do what you do best and to achieve what you could have never achieved on your own. Here are three ways you can apply this principle for success to your life:

1) Ask Someone A Question Everyday

Everything you have ever learned, you learned from someone else. More importantly, everything you learn from this point on, you will learn from someone else. Listen to others and learn from them. While you are at it, take a second and share some wisdom of your own. When you take time to ask someone around you a question each day, you are admitting that you don’t know it all. You are also taking time to clear your brain and more fully appreciate the people around you. Not only will you grow as a person, your day will be much more enjoyable.

2)Listen To The Experts

Living in 2015 may have its challenges, but it also has some amazing benefits. You have incredible access to the insights of people from all over the globe and from all throughout history. Take time to read books that interest you and that relate to what you may be currently working on. Listen to podcasts. Watch a TEDTalk. There are a million ways to learn, take advantage of them. 

3)Publicly Promote Someone Else

Since we are always learning from other people, it’s healthy and right to give credit where credit it due. If you are reading a book and pick up a thought that you use later, give the author credit. Post quotes from the book on Facebook or Twitter. Social media outlets are great places to thank others and credit them in some way. Take a minute out of your day and encourage someone in the good work they are doing. You love it when that happens to you, so remember to offer it others as well.

The humility to learn from those around us is critical to our success at work and at home.  Take a second today to remember that you don’t know it all. Also, remember that it’s ok to not know it all. It’s not ok, however, to pretend that you do. 

How To "Really" Love The People You Love

I fit perfectly with the stereotype of a young man born and raised in the south: I loved my mama. My mom was incredible. She was sacrificial and loving in ways I only hope someday to be. When my mom was hit by a recurrence of cancer I made the 6 hour trip to see her and care for her whenever I could. Climbing back into my car one Sunday after a quick weekend with her, I broke down. I remember praying and asking God to make sure that mom knew that I loved her. There is nothing more important than trusting that the people we care about know how deeply we love them. Here are three things you can do to ensure that your loved ones are well loved:

Fix Less

Trying to fix the people we love isn’t the same as loving them. Your fixing may start from a heart of love, but it will quickly become something else. Your need to “correct” or “help out” or “make things better” may keep you from simply being with the person you love. The person you love (just like you) had problems, has problems, and will always have problems. It’s great that you want to help, but odds are that your loved one simply wants your time and attention, not your assistance.

Compliment More

It’s easy to leave things unsaid. I’m not sure why, but it often feels difficult to tell the people we love how much they mean to us. Sometimes we just assume they know it. Remember, even if they do know how much you care for them, they still need to hear it. Start small. Choose one genuine compliment every day to offer to the people you love. Give it some thought. Even if their response to your compliment isn’t what you had thought it might be, stick with it. I promise it will make a difference.

Sleep More

You are a pain when you don’t get enough sleep. I know that because I am too. My head isn’t as clear when I haven't gotten enough sleep. My emotions tend to be closer to the surface. Adequate sleep allows us to more fully enjoy the people we love. It allows us to be present with them, and not just sit beside them while our minds are a thousand miles away.

There are few things in life more rewarding than relating to people that you care deeply for. Slow down today and do the small things to remind them of your love. I promise that you will be glad you did!

How To Communicate Well: The Often Ignored Art of "When"

I’ve logged countless hours as a counselor and have partnered with many couples who were seeking to save their marriage, or simply improve the condition of their relationship. One complaint that almost each couple has had over the years, is that they didn’t feel that they were able to communicate with each other as well as they needed to.

Few things will damage a relationship more than a breakdown in communication. Parents feel distanced from their teenagers when lines of communication break down. Husbands and wives feel lonely and misunderstood when their communication doesn’t  work as well as it did in the beginning of their relationship. Even relationships at work will suffer if communication is not clear and healthy between employees. Many people wrestle with “how” to communicate, but few ever consider “when” to communicate. Here are three thoughts about when to communicate that can immediately improve your relational life:

Just Because You Are Ready Doesn’t Mean That They Are

We’ve all been there, we have given an issue a lot of thought, we are burdened by it and ready to talk about it NOW. The person you are going to talk to may not be ready, however, and if they are not ready, the communication that you initiate will be weak at best. Just because you have thought the issue through and are ready to hash it out doesn’t mean that your child, spouse, or co-worker is equally prepared and ready. Also, just because they are not ready to talk about it doesn’t mean that they don’t care or are avoiding you. The next time you are ready to talk over something important with someone, ask them if it’s a good time to discuss it. If it’s not, ask for a better time. Your goal is not to simply get the words out of your mouth, but to initiate a shared conversation about the topic that you are concerned about.

We Are Not All “Night People”

The "right time to talk" is almost never after 10PM at night, especially if it is a sensitive or important issue. Some people do their best thinking after 10PM at night, but most do not, and everyone is more emotional at the end of a long day. If you have something big to discuss with your husband or wife, don’t start unloading on them after Jimmy Kimmel.

Put It On The Books

It’s easy to put hard talks off and never pick them back up. This lack of communication is often the most frustrating of all. Putting a talk off isn’t a bad thing, but you need to pick a specific time to pick it back up again. Don’t settle for, “we’ll talk about it some other time”, or even, “let’s pick this up this weekend”. Be precise. “Can we talk about it over breakfast on Saturday?” or “Could we grab coffee next Tuesday at 3PM and talk it over?” Pick a time and put it on the calendar. It may seem silly to schedule talks with your spouse or kids, but we rarely return to issues if we don’t schedule time to do so.

How you communicate not be the problem you are facing in your relationships. These tips on when to communicate will make you more clear and the people you are talking with more receptive. 

Photo Courtesy of Death To Stock Photo

Why Empathy And Not Answers Will Improve Your Relationships

We’ve all had those moments. Someone comes up to you with all sorts of pain or confusion in their life and they want to tell you their story. On our best days, we listen attentively, make good eye contact, and stay connected as they talk. After listening, we weigh in. We might share our experiences or a bit of the pain we are carrying around ourselves. Sometimes, this is just what the doctor ordered. Someone needs direction, we give it, and life works well. We feel good about the good we have done, and we go on about out day. The only problem is that the person who has just shared their heart may not feel as good about the exchange. Here is one relational tip that will save you tons of frustration in the weeks to come:

Don’t give anyone direction or advice unless they specifically ask for it.

Most people come to us seeking empathy not answers. They want to believe that someone cares, or they just may need a safe place to process their thoughts. Giving direction and advice when it isn’t asked for ends up badly for everyone. Relationship runs on connection, not correction. There are times for clear answers and direction, but clarify that before you unload. If you can follow this one piece of advice, your relationships will become must healthier over time, and much more enjoyable as well!

Photo Courtesy of Death To The Stock Photo

Want Better Relationships? Tell Better Stories!

I grew up in a tiny town nestled in the heart of western North Carolina (see above). My hometown had one post office, one gas station, and zero traffic lights, what it did have, however, was really great stories. There really wasn’t much to do in our town when I was young. Entertainment on the weekends usually meant going over to another family’s house for dinner. The kids would trample through the woods, coming up with whatever games our imaginations could conjure, and our parents would sit on the porch and talk. When it got too dark to play anymore, the kids would settle in as well and listen to the stories our parents would tell. They were personal stories about hard times and overwhelming challenges, but also about good days and special memories. The stories would make us laugh at times and reflect at others. Those stories always made me want to live the kind of life that would collect great stories of my own to tell someday.

Stories connect people in ways that few things can.

A Jewish poet said it like this:

"I will teach you hidden lessons from our past, stories we have heard and know, stories our ancestors handed down to us. We will not hide these truths from our children but will tell the next generation about the glorious deeds of our God. We will tell of his power and the mighty miracles he did."                        (Psalm 78: 2b-4)

Stories make us stronger. Stories encourage our children to dream big dreams of their own. Stories make all of our relationships deeper and more fulfilling. Here are a couple of thoughts that will make you a better story teller:


1)Be Honest With Yourself

Take some time and think back over your life. Think about the hard times and the really good times as well. When have you laughed? When have you cried? What was God like for you in those moments? You have great stories to tell. They may not seem great to you, but they could mean the world to those who care about you. Every honest story you tell is a small piece of you and is incredibly valuable to those who hear it! 

2)Be Honest With Your Listeners

Your story isn't pretty. Mine isn't either. Remember, every great story has hardship, and every great hero has to overcome some obstacles along the way. Include your best moments in the stories you tell, but be honest about your mistakes as well. Your audience, (especially your children) need the encouragement of knowing that everyone messes up, and that sometimes those mistakes can still lead to really great things!

3)Trust The Process

Your children, or spouse, or friends may not always seem deeply enthralled by your stories. As a child I rarely made eye contact with the adults as they told their stories. I dug, twisted, kicked, and bounced continuously, but I was listening, and the stories were impacting me. Your stories matter, because you matter, don't let a distracted audience ever cause you to doubt that!

If you want stronger relationships, become a better story teller. You already have great stories inside of you, you might as well share them!

The Essential Art of Saying "No" and How You Can Get Better At It

To live a healthy life we need the ability to say both “yes” and “no”. A healthy life doesn’t say yes to everything it is asked and it doesn’t say “no” all of the time either. To feel truly satisfied and fulfilled in life, you have to be in charge of your yes’s and no’s.  In other words, the more often you are able to say “yes” to something simply because you want to, and feel it’s the best course of action for you, the happier you will be. The same goes for saying “no”.  If you don’t feel free to say “no” at times in your relationships, then those relationships are not healthy.

This seems simple enough, but life is rarely simply. The complication comes with the fact that the people in your life don’t like to hear the word “no”. Some may get angry, some may give you the silent treatment, others may cry (usually those under age 5), and they all want you to give in and change your answer. Saying “no” and then sticking to our boundaries is a critical skill to have at work, church, and home. Are you having trouble saying “no” and sticking to it? Here are some possible reasons why….

You Are Saying No, But Explaining….

Your job isn’t to convince people in your life that you correct and justified when you decide to say no, it’s to simply communicate, “no”. If you need people to understand and buy into your decisions all of the time, then you are in trouble! A lot of times people won’t understand (everyone has blind spots), and many times they just won’t care!  You don’t have to explain yourself every time you make a decision. It’s your life, your time, and your energy, and you get to spend it however you choose.  Also, if someone is wanting to manipulate you into doing what they want, they will love your long explanations, because it gives them the time and opportunitiy to wear you down to get you to give in. It’s not rude to just say “no” and go about your business.

You Are Saying No, But Apologizing For It….

It’s not bad to say “no”. You don’t have to feel guilty when you can’t or won't give what someone is asking of you. It’s ok to disagree with what others may be saying or asking, and go your own way. If you apologize every time you say “no”, people will begin to assume that you are wrong, and will press you even more forcefully. The only healthy time to apologize is when you have done something wrong! Throwing out apologies all of the time is dishonest. If you are like me, you will mess up plenty in life, save your apologies for those times when you have actually done or said something wrong!

You Are Not Saying No At All….

Every skilled manipulator is looking for someone to run over. Don’t be that person for them! Your opinion matters, and your personal boundaries matter.  Standing up for yourself sometimes and saying “no” reminds people that you are a person worthy of respect. You matter and your thoughts matter, so don’t just go along with everyone else all of the time!

Saying “no” isn’t easy, but it’s a crucial part of a healthy life. I hope you will find the courage to practice your “no”, and that in doing so, you will be reminded of your value in the relationships in your life!

Photo Courtesy of Death To The Stock Photo

Why People Aren't Listening To You (and what you can do about it)

People aren’t listening to you.

…and it’s making you crazy!

Nothing is as frustrating as feeling that our words aren’t connecting with the people that we are sharing them with. Everyone wants to be heard, whether it’s a big thought or just a random conversation. Many times, however, the people you are trying to communicate with don’t seem to be listening. It feels like you are talking to a brick wall. You find yourself repeating things over and over and squirming around to try to establish eye contact with the person you are talking to. Eventually you get frustrated and either get loud or give up (neither option leads to great success). It’s possible that the person you are trying to talk to simply has no intention of hearing you.  But, it’s also possible that you are undermining your own efforts to communicate, making it difficult for people to hear or follow what you are saying. Here are two things you may be doing to cause people to tune you out:

You Aren’t Valuing Their Time.

There are times for long meandering chats, and there are times to get straight to the point. We live in a generation that gets assaulted by thousands of messages from thousands of sources every day. Print news sources know the value of people’s time (as well as how short their attention span is) and as a result they make sure to put the most important stuff right at the beginning of their articles. They lead with the main point and then share the most important facts. This way if someone stops reading half-way through the story, they will still have gotten the most important info. So, if you try to convey to  your boss that she isn’t being fair to you by starting with the words, “You know I had this great cat when I was eight years old…”, you may lose your boss’ attention long before you deliver your message. Start with your main message and then deliver the relevant facts. If your boss seems to have more time and interest, then you may talk about the cute way that your cat used to sneeze. People tend to value your words more when you value their time.

You Aren’t Valuing Your Message

It’s possible that you grew up around some not-so-great people, whether at home, in your neighborhood, or at your school. The treatment that you received from these people may have trained you to see yourself as insignificant, so when it comes time to speak up, you believe (somewhere deep down inside of you), that what you have to share is insignificant too. So, you mumble, look at your feet, or explain your message away before you even share it (“I know I’m not the smartest person here, but…”). The things you communicate are important because you are important, even when the people around you don’t acknowledge that. So, look people in the eye and share you message honestly and clearly. If the people around you still consistently choose to not value you or your words, you may need to find some new people to be around! Remember, if you don’t value your message no one else will either.