How Good Questions Build Strong Relationships

The heart of this blog is relationships, how to enjoy them, and how to repair them when they have broken down. For that reason, I write a good deal about communication. Communication is the life blood of relationships. Couples that communicate well tend to have strong marriages. Families that communicate well handle adversity better than other families. Work places where good communication exists are more productive and more enjoyable. One component of good communication that is often overlooked is the importance of good questions. Communication thrives when it includes the right kind of questions. Here are a few of the things good questions can do to make your communication better and your relationships stronger:

Good Questions Invite Conversation

Good questions are open-ended, that is, they can’t be answered with a simple yes or no, but invite greater explanation. If someone in your family or work isn’t incredibly talkative, a good question will keep them from simply answering yes or no. Sometimes people just need to find a comfort level in a conversation before they open up and relax. Good questions will help them do that. For example, “Did you go to the game this weekend?” isn’t a good question. “How was the game this weekend?” is much more likely to start a conversation.

Good Questions Welcome Different Opinions

We’ve all been in conversations where someone is rambling on about how much they hate this political candidate and that new album, and about how anyone who eats fast food is irresponsible. It’s hard to find a place in that conversation to offer up that you are actually voting for the candidate that they hate so much, and that you just bought that new album which you plan to listen to on the way home after you hit the McDonald’s drive-thru. Good questions allows people to have their own opinion. If you can’t talk with someone you disagree with, you will spend your life talking with the small number of people who think exactly as you do, or with people who don’t mind lying to you to humor you. Differences are not to be feared. We can learn from them, and they can often add to our enjoyment of the other person. Good questions allow honest disagreement.

Good Questions Show That I Care

It can be easy to talk about what’s going on with me without even realizing that we haven’t talked about you yet. Good questions show that I care about what’s going on with you. They allow me to hear about your day and learn more about you. When you are asked a question and you feel that the person asking really cares about the answer, you feel valued. That value will make the conversation flow more smoothly and will add enjoyment to the relationship.

Struggling with a relationship in your life? Take a second to think up some good questions. It will make the communication easier and over time will make the relationship stronger.

Photo Courtesy of Death To Stock Photo

Spanking vs. Time-Out: Parenting in 2014

Everybody’s parents disciplined them in some way or another, and as they look back now, they either hate the way their parents did it or they love it. Their approach to parenting is most likely based on what they experienced growing up. Therefore, nobody is neutral when it comes to how to discipline children. The conversations usually go something like this:

“My mom and my dad spanked me and I turned out just fine!”

Or

“My mom and dad never laid a hand on me, I can’t imagine what I would have done if they had!”

Remember that when you challenge someone’s approach to disciplining their children, it probably feels to them like you are insulting them and their parents before them.  My recommendation is to find your method of discipline and quit telling other people how awful their way is. The truth is that time-outs, restrictions, spanking, grounding, etc… are all acceptable forms of discipline. They can also all be misused and become abusive, and abuse is never ok. When it comes time to discipline your child(ren), here are two things to remember:

Constant Discipline Is Deflating 

If you discipline your child more than you relate to your child, then your discipline (regardless of what discipline you choose) is worthless. Remember you are not after complete compliance (which is almost impossible with some kids), you are looking for growth and character development. All kids are wired differently, some are naturally  more compliant and some will make you earn your pay!

Lack Of Discipline Is Unloving

It takes discipline to play athletics, to learn to play a new musical instrument, and to get the job you desire in life. It takes effort and the ability to receive correction well. If you refuse to correct your child or require effort out of them, you are making their future incredibly difficult.

The right discipline plan, perfectly administered (like that would ever happen!) does not guarantee perfect children. There are no perfect children, they are like their parents in that respect! Teaching them a system of right and wrong and about responsibility and consequences will give them an opportunity at a great life, and in the end, that’s all we can really do. So, don’t get discouraged, you don't have to be perfect to make a difference!

Photo Courtesy of Death To Stock Photo

Want Better Relationships? Tell Better Stories!

I grew up in a tiny town nestled in the heart of western North Carolina (see above). My hometown had one post office, one gas station, and zero traffic lights, what it did have, however, was really great stories. There really wasn’t much to do in our town when I was young. Entertainment on the weekends usually meant going over to another family’s house for dinner. The kids would trample through the woods, coming up with whatever games our imaginations could conjure, and our parents would sit on the porch and talk. When it got too dark to play anymore, the kids would settle in as well and listen to the stories our parents would tell. They were personal stories about hard times and overwhelming challenges, but also about good days and special memories. The stories would make us laugh at times and reflect at others. Those stories always made me want to live the kind of life that would collect great stories of my own to tell someday.

Stories connect people in ways that few things can.

A Jewish poet said it like this:

"I will teach you hidden lessons from our past, stories we have heard and know, stories our ancestors handed down to us. We will not hide these truths from our children but will tell the next generation about the glorious deeds of our God. We will tell of his power and the mighty miracles he did."                        (Psalm 78: 2b-4)

Stories make us stronger. Stories encourage our children to dream big dreams of their own. Stories make all of our relationships deeper and more fulfilling. Here are a couple of thoughts that will make you a better story teller:


1)Be Honest With Yourself

Take some time and think back over your life. Think about the hard times and the really good times as well. When have you laughed? When have you cried? What was God like for you in those moments? You have great stories to tell. They may not seem great to you, but they could mean the world to those who care about you. Every honest story you tell is a small piece of you and is incredibly valuable to those who hear it! 

2)Be Honest With Your Listeners

Your story isn't pretty. Mine isn't either. Remember, every great story has hardship, and every great hero has to overcome some obstacles along the way. Include your best moments in the stories you tell, but be honest about your mistakes as well. Your audience, (especially your children) need the encouragement of knowing that everyone messes up, and that sometimes those mistakes can still lead to really great things!

3)Trust The Process

Your children, or spouse, or friends may not always seem deeply enthralled by your stories. As a child I rarely made eye contact with the adults as they told their stories. I dug, twisted, kicked, and bounced continuously, but I was listening, and the stories were impacting me. Your stories matter, because you matter, don't let a distracted audience ever cause you to doubt that!

If you want stronger relationships, become a better story teller. You already have great stories inside of you, you might as well share them!

Lessons I've Learned as a Dance Dad

This past weekend marked the end of another dance season for my beautiful daughter.  The girls and instructors from our studio, Prestige Dance Institute were amazing! After the competition, as we packed numerous outfits, crates of make-up, and buckets of hair products into the car one last time before taking the summer off, I thought back to all of the things that her time in dance has taught me. Even if you are not a dance dad, I hope you’ll find these lessons helpful. Here goes….

Lesson 1:  Gold Is Not Best After All

It turns out the Olympics have been lying to us all. Every four years athletes from all over the world gather for competition. They have endured countless hours of training, and have poured out their blood, sweat, and tears, all in hopes of winning the one thing that will make all of their sacrifice worth it, a gold medal. Little do they know that everyone in the dance world gets gold.  Everyone.  A one-legged clogger with a banjo would get gold at a dance competition. The Olympics taught me that nothing was better than gold, but they were wrong. In the dance world, Gold is just the beginning. Gold is nice, but if your timing is a bit better and your moves are more clean, you could win High Gold, or Platinum. Some truly gifted dancers, like many of the girls at Prestige (sorry for bragging, I’m just really proud), can even land High Platinum or Diamond honors for their performances. So, I think it’s about time that the Olympics got their act together! When Jamaica’s Usain Bolt, wins another 100m dash at the next Olympics, he should get the prize he deserves:  a Super Mega Elite Platinum medal and a trophy the size of a lumberjack.

Lesson 2: Glitter Gets Everywhere And Never Goes Away

Seriously, never.  I found some glitter on my shoulder last week from a dance competition back in 2009. You may think you’ve washed it all off, but give it a couple of days, and it’ll be back. Once you touch glitter, it’s yours for life, and in the dance world, glitter is everywhere! It’s on the costumes, the props, the chairs, and I’m pretty sure they blow out of the air vents. The Glitter Industry should say a silent prayer of thanks for the dancers of the world. So, after your daughter’s next dance competition you should probably be ready to hear something like this the following week at work: “Hey Frank, you look a little sparkly today….”

Lesson 3: Always Say Yes When Asked To Help Carry Props

Yes, this lesson will expose you to a dangerous amount of the glitter referred to in the previous lesson, but carrying props helps you address a much larger issue. It’s a scientifically proven fact that hearing Britney Spear’s “Ooh La La” 7 times in one day depletes your body of 94% of all of its testosterone. It is essential that you find something masculine to do to combat those effects. Carrying wooden risers, steps, and chairs on and off stage does nicely. If your dance studio doesn’t use props, you will need to look at other, more extreme options:

-bring your chainsaw along and thin out any trees that may 

be too close to the auditorium.

-Start a fight club with other Dance Dads in the basement 

of the auditorium. (Remember, the first rule of Dance Dad

 Fight Club is to never talk about Dance Dad Fight Club)

-Weld something. (it doesn’t really matter what)

Lesson 4: Don’t Miss The Moments

Remember that every drive to practice, every dinner after competition, and every frantic last minute search for hair pins is a chance to be amazed at how much your beautiful daughter has grown, and how that in spite of all that you don’t know about being a Dad, she is becoming an incredible person.  Absorb every second of it you can because there will come a day when you would give anything to see your little girl wearing her great big smile as she dances her heart out on stage. Also, don’t forget to tell her that she is beautiful before, during, and after each competition, she needs to be reminded.

Lastly, a word of advice to all of the Dad’s out there. If you aren’t a Dance Dad, be a Soccer Dad, or Band Dad, or Spelling Bee Dad. Jump into whatever world your child is involved in. I know you’re busy and I know it’s hard, but these moments in life are rare, and once you miss them, you can’t get them back. So dive in and enjoy every second of your child’s journey, and if you find a way to permanently remove glitter give me a call. 

Friday Finds- May 16

Looking for a parenting plan that works every time? Good luck with that! This is a post every parent should read, print out, and re-read every month or so. Many thanks to Addie Zierman for a healthy dose of hope and realism.

Addie Zierman on parenting

If you love coffee and hate liver disease, this article will make you happy…

What Coffee Does To Your Body

The Black Keys released their new album last week and you should be listening to it. Here’s their performance of “Fever” from the new album on the David Letterman Show:

The Black Keys on Letterman

Chris Thile got back into the studio with the Watkins siblings and the result is a new Nickel Creek album! It’s also well worth a listen:

Nickel Creek- Destination