3 Times That Saying Yes Will Damage Your Family

We live in a world of yes. We have more options and more freedom than at any time in the history of the world. Thanks to the ease and relatively low cost of travel as well as the all encompassing reach of the internet, we can have experiences that would have seemed impossible for our grandparents. We can work in one city, take guitar lessons in a second, grab dinner in a third, and then travel home in a fourth. We can do an insane amount of things in one day. With all of the opportunities around us that we can say "yes" to, it's becoming very difficult to say "no". While all of these opportunities can make our families stronger, they can also have an adverse affect. Here are three times that saying yes may damage your family:


Saying Yes Without Looking At Your Calendar

You see your child's teacher coming across the parking lot. Before you know it, she asks, "Hey! Can you help out with the PTA fundraiser next month?" Before you have a chance to really think it through, you say "yes". After all, your child benefits from what the PTA does. Shouldn't you carry your weight? Without seeing how much time you have, you add another time demand to your calendar. You know from experience that if you work hard and juggle well, you can make it fit. But, is it a good idea? Just because you can doesn't mean you should. Your time is your one unrenewable resource. Once it's gone it's gone. So, you had better take time to think before you give more of your time away.


Saying Yes Without Looking At Your Budget

We often see budget constraints the same way we see time constraints. If we work hard enough and balance carefully enough, we can fit it all in. That's just not true. Cutting things a little close this month or throwing something on an already bulging credit card may not seem like a big deal, but it all adds up. One of the biggest sources of conflict in marriages today is money. Nobody plans to have money troubles, they just say "yes" a little too often.


Saying Yes Without Looking At Your Family Goals

We have goals at our jobs, goals about our weight and the food we eat. We set goals concerning our money. We rarely take time to establish goals concerning our family and what we would like it to be. Every decision you make about time, money, and career will affect your family. Most of us would admit (or at least say) that our families are our top priority. If that is true, then we need to examine our goals for our family before we say "yes" to anything. Just because something is good doesn't mean that it's the best decision for your family.

Being able to say "no" at the right times is one of the best ways you can prioritize and protect your family. It's not always easy, but it's always worth it!



Photo Courtesy of Death To Stock Photo

Don't Let The Things That Make Your Life Easier Make It Less Satisfying

We live at a great time in history. The technological advances that continue to come out each year make our lives more convenient and efficient. We can process and evaluate a great deal of information each day, that in the past would have taken weeks to collect. Our phones allow us to communicate in seconds. Our laptops and ipads allow us to work at home as easily as at the office sometimes. Facebook and Instagram allow us to socialize and connect with more people, faster than ever before. These innovations are incredible. Like all resources available to us, however, these new conveniences can be misused. Here are three ways to ensure that you are not misusing your ipad, email, and social media:

Create Space For Attention

Time and attention are the fuel of relationships.  It doesn’t have to be a lot of time, but it has to come consistently and be undistracted. If you finally have 20 minutes to talk to your wife at night after a long day, and you check your work email 20 times, you are not really spending time with your wife. It’s not enough to hear what she is saying, she has to see you receiving and reacting to her words. If you think that doesn’t make sense, ask yourself how many times you have told your child to look at you when you are talking to him. Also, how much would you trust a co-worker who was busy sending tweets while you explained an important task to them? Create a space where you can give your full and undivided attention to those you love. Once you have created that space, protect it at all costs!

Create Space For Work

I hope you love your work. It makes life so much better if you do. If you love your work, and if you are driven to good a great job, then it’s really easy to let work thoughts and responsibilities sneak into your family or rest time. You can always do more at work. You can always give it more thought and read over things one more time. So, since no job ever feels completely or perfectly done, you have to set limits. Create a space for your work and don’t let it creep into everything else. There has to be time each day where work is not allowed into your mind at all. Your family and friends understand coming in second place to your work at times, but they will not be ok with always coming in second place.

Create Space For Relationship

I know Facebook makes it feel like you can relate to 20,000 people, but you can’t. At least not well. You have limited relational resources. You have limited time to relate. You have to make a decision about who you are going to relate to and at what depth.  Not making a decision will result in shallow relationships and the people you love the most will feel neglected. Create space in your life for the relationships that matter most, and don’t allow 20 other relationships to steal time and energy from them. Remember, cyber relationships are easier than real relationships. Real relationships are work, but real relationships satisfy. Don’t let anything distract you from the time it takes to make them work.

If you don’t decide how you spend your time and energy, other people will decide for you, and you will never be satisfied. So say “no” to some things today that will make your life better tomorrow.

Photo Courtesy of Death To Stock Photo

How To Avoid Guilt Trips

Guilt trips are brutal.

Especially if you have a sensitive heart that genuinely cares for others.

Everyone hates to be wrong, and we really dislike feeling that we have failed or let someone down. Someone at work or in our family that is set on getting their way can use these things against us by making us feel guilty (even when we've done nothing wrong). If you have a boss, co-worker, friend, or family member that loves to send you on a guilt trip, there are 2 important things to remember, that will allow you to battle back and retain your sanity: ask and avoid.

1)Ask yourself this question: Have I done something that is morally wrong?

Guilt trips owe their power to false guilt. False guilt is the feeling of guilt that comes to us even when we haven’t done anything morally wrong.  So, even though you may feel guilty, if you haven’t done anything morally wrong, you are not guilty. Many of us have come to believe, however, that it is our job to make everyone happy, and we feel guilty when we can’t do it. We don’t tend to say this out loud, but we believe it nonetheless. Add this to our tendency to blame ourselves first when things go wrong, and you have the recipe for a crushing guilt trip. But remember this…

It's not your job to keep the people you love or work with happy.

Not only that, it’s impossible. So let it go! When feelings of guilt arise after a talk with someone, stop and ask yourself, “Have I done anything morally wrong?” If the answer is “no”, then remind yourself that these feelings of guilt are just feelings and are not actually true. Before long those feelings will fade away, as feelings often do. As an example: it’s morally wrong to steal money from your co-worker when they are out of the office, it’s not morally wrong to say no when they ask if you can work their shift for them next Saturday.

2)Avoid long, drawn-out conversations with the guilters in your life.

People who are trying to guilt you into doing something for them love to have long conversations with you about how hard their life is, and how much they need you to come to their rescue. The longer the conversation, the more chance they have to find a way to flood you with guilt. The more they can get you to talk, the better able they are to trip you up! Remember this…

When your realize that someone is not accepting your polite refusal, but is continuing to push, the conversation has stopped being relational and started being manipulative.

The best way I have found to deal with this sort of manipulation is to become a good politician (is that an oxymoron?). Good politicians are not drawn into conversations they don't want to have. They do this by having set talking points that they repeat often during their campaign that highlights their strengths and minimizes their weaknesses. It doesn’t matter what you ask, they stick to the talking points. This tactic also works when dealing with the people in your life that try to guilt you into submission. Here is an example of what one such conversation might look like, and how you can handle it:

Your supervisor: Can you please stay later today and pick up the extra work that needs to be completed, no one else is able to, and I’m not feeling well.  (you know that she probably hasn’t asked anyone else…)

You: I actually worked over some last week, but I can’t today.

Supervisor: I only ask you because I know that you are such a good worker and care so much about our clients.

You: Thank you, I really do take my job seriously, but I can’t work over today.

Supervisor: Well, I know that you wouldn’t want your co-workers to think that you aren’t carrying your weight….

You: I can’t do it today, but I hope you are able to find someone to pick up the extra hours.

Supervisor: Well, I guess I’ll just have to do it myself, maybe my migraine won’t get much worse…..

You: Ok, I hope the rest of your afternoon goes well.

Stick to your message. Keep the conversation polite, but short and simple. Don’t get drawn into justifying yourself or talking about what other workers might be thinking or doing. This doesn’t mean, of course, that you can’t help out and work over from time to time, it just means that you need to avoid making decisions because you feel guilty. Practice these two techniques and you will avoid the dreaded guilt trip and will be able to make decisions free of manipulation.

How To Survive When Life Is Breaking You Down

We’ve all been there. Maybe someone close to you died. Maybe the checks coming in don’t equal the bills going out. We’ve been betrayed, heartbroken, sick, and frail, and odds are, we’ll be there again. Life on this planet can be difficult, and sometimes we feel broken beyond repair.  In those dark places, where we can’t make sense of things and where even getting out of bed is a struggle, there is hope. Here are two lifelines to cling to when you feel that you can’t keep your head above water any longer:

I can’t be in control, but God is.

Our first reaction when life gets hard is to try to restore some measure of control to our lives. For those who have been rejected and hurt, we know that it’s impossible to control or predict how others will act. We can’t control our bosses decisions, or the pace of disease as it courses through our body. When life is hard, it feels like we have no control over anything at all. This typically amps up our anxiety or creates feelings of depression. In these dark helpless moments, control exists, and it’s in far more capable hands than our own. To remind ourselves that God is in control, even when we are not, gives us hope. God is bigger than your problems, your failures, or your inabilities. Not only is God in control, but He desires good for you and not harm. In the words of Old Testament prophet Jeremiah, God “knows the plans he has for you, plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.” (Jeremiah 29:11). Out of control isn’t so bad, when someone good and capable is in control.

I can’t figure it out, but God knows.

Not being able to make sense of things can be terribly difficult. Life will always have days that bring more than we can understand. People will hurt you for inexplicable reasons, things that seemed solid will shake, and things you trusted will break down. When life gets hard, we try to find all the answers, hoping that once we do, we’ll be able to more clearly see when bad things are coming and avoid them. No matter how hard we try however, we will never be able to see the future before it happens. We will never understand it all, but God does. You might not know the answers right now, but God is not in the dark. He is not anxious about the future. He understands your pain and what you need, and He loves you very much. The courage to believe this fact will get us through many dark days.

I pray that these truths will bring you comfort if you are in a hard spot right now. Don't give up.  Brokenness is not the end of your story, it is often the beginning of a chapter that is more incredible that you have dared to imagine. 

Photo Courtesy of Death To Stock Photo

A Time Budget: How Managing Your Most Important Resource Can Change Your Life

Making ends meet is never an easy task and for that reason most people have a budget they use to track their spending. Most of us have learned that having a system to make the best use of our money is incredibly helpful. It allows us to meet our most pressing financial needs, plan for the future, and enjoy the present a bit more. As important as it is to handle your money well, it’s even more crucial to manage your time well. People have run out of money and bounced back tons of times. Once you run out of time, however, there is no bouncing back. Here are three thoughts to help you begin to budget your most important resource more effectively:

Don’t Cheat Your Sleep

You only have 24 hours with which to work each day. The way you use those hours will determine how effective you are today, this week, and 20 years down the road. Most people need between 6 – 8 hours of sleep each night. For the majority of us getting less than 6 or more than 8 on a consistent basis will have negative consequences. It’s easy to accumulate more and more demands on our time each day, and the first place we tend to try to steal hours from is our sleep. Not only does sleep recharge your body, it refocuses your mind. The hours you steal from sleep may help you get ahead today, but they will cost you tomorrow.

Some Hours Are Better Than Others

Let’s face it, you are not equally productive all throughout your day. In the same way that there are limits to the number of hours you have in a day, there are also limits on the number of quality hours you have each day.  We have dips in energy and lags in concentration all throughout our day, it’s one  limitation that we all have in common. Instead of ignoring that limitation and pretending that it doesn’t affect you, plan with it in mind. Take time over the next few days and see when you are the most clear and most focused. Are you better in the morning? Is the evening your most productive time? Are there times when you get tired and are not as sharp? Next, slot your most important tasks into the hours when you are most focused and most motivated. Don’t schedule your tasks according to urgency, but according to importance. You will see an immediate improvement in your productivity.

Think Big Picture

When you choose where you spend those 16-18 hours you have left in your day, begin with the end of your story in mind. When you are 70 what will you have wanted to achieve? How close will you want to be with your family? How important will your physical health be to you? The way you divide your time now will determine how satisfied with life you are then. How many hours will you invest in your family? How much time will you spend at work? What sort of chunk of time will your hobbies gobble up? You need to make all of these decisions in light of what you value the most. So, take some time, sit down and be honest with yourself. Will the way you are using your hours this week make you most satisfied in 5 years, 10, 30?

Time is the one resource you can never recover, so set up your time budget now. Begin to make decisions today that will lead to your greatest satisfaction now and in the future.

How To Take Care of Your Most Valuable Asset

I enjoy cooking and playing around in the kitchen. We have a new knife in our home (a very generous wedding gift), and I adore it. It is balanced and razor sharp. I am constantly looking for things to chop, dice, or julienne. Most people think that the sharper a knife is, the more dangerous it is. That's not actually true.  More accidents happen with dull knives than with sharp ones. The duller the knife, the more pressure you have to exert. More exertion increases the chances of the knife slipping and cutting you. The author of the book  Ecclesiastes wrote that this is true not only of knives, but of life itself. He wrote, “If the iron is blunt, and one does not sharpen the edge, he must use more strength, but wisdom helps one to succeed.” (Ecclesiastes 10:10) Sharpening a knife is like taking time to work on me. Stephen Covey calls this process “sharpening the saw”. Staying “sharp” makes us more effective at home, work, and with friends. Here are a couple of ways to stay sharp:

Make Time To Read

Reading is a chance to open ourselves up to other thoughts and perspectives. All your reading doesn’t have to be related to your job. Read a novel. Check out a collection of poetry that you have been curious about. Subscribe to a blog. There are tons of valuable voices out there that can help you grow and see the world in a new way.

Make Time To Pray

For Christians, it's easy for prayer to be something that we talk about but rarely do. Prayer reminds me that I’m not alone in the challenges I am facing. It connects me to a God who loves me and cares about the details of my day. Prayer allows me to focus on the fact that there is a bigger purpose and plan to my life. Ancient writer and prophet Jeremiah, reminded his nation of that fact. He told them that God had a good future in mind for them. His plans would offer them hope for their future (Jeremiah 29:11).  We often need to be reminded of that as well.

Make Time For Silence And Solitude

Take a walk and leave your ear buds at home. Shut out all the sounds that can clutter your day. Sometimes you need to be alone to give your brain a chance to re-calibrate itself. Taking a break from the hectic pace of life, even for just a few minutes, can improve your mental clarity. It allows you to see that the things that seemed so important a few minutes ago, might not be as critical as you had imagined (Did I just get into an argument about mashed potatoes?!). Getting away and getting quiet is like adjusting the valve on a pressure cooker. We are able to relax and release some of the stress and pressure that have been building up. Less stress means that you are less likely to do or say something that you will regret later.

Your relationships and work are important to you. So, cut out time in your day to take care of yourself. The sharper you are the more success you will have. 

Photo Courtesy of  Death To Stock Photo

"Sharpening the Saw" is one of Stephen Covey's 7 Habits of Highly Effective People from the book by the same title. It is possibly the greatest book on leadership and personal growth in existence. Seriously, go read it.

3 Ways To Calm The Anxiety That Is Making You Miserable

Life is unpredictable and uncontrollable. Everyone would admit that to be true, and almost everyone hates it. Anxiety is what we feel when the uncertainty of life becomes overwhelming. Our minds frantically bounce from one thought to the next trying to fix, repair, predict, prepare, relate, or overcome. As our inability to control everything becomes apparent, so does our discomfort. Soon the headaches, backaches, or stomach pains set in. The small healthy fire that burns inside of us to be productive, rages into a forest fire that consumes all of our thoughts and energy. If your anxiety has become a common companion during your week, try out these three things to help control the flames:

Divide And Conquer

It seems impossible to ignore our anxious thoughts for an entire day, but 10 minutes is a reasonable start. When today’s anxious thought comes crashing in on you, decide to set it aside for 10 minutes. For example, if you are stressed about how you’re going to pay for your child’s college education in a few years, resolve to set the issue aside for 10 minutes. Say to yourself, “I will not think about the college issue for the next 10 minutes”. If after that time, you decide that you are ready to pick the thought back up, you can. If you would like to set it aside for another ten minutes, then that’s your prerogative as well. Remember, it’s not laziness or procrastination to set aside a topic until a time when our brain can think more clearly about it! Once your mind is clear enough to find the first step in the task at hand, you are ready to proceed. One step taken is better than 10 steps obsessed over. Often times the overwhelming size of the forest keeps us from chopping down the first tree.

Give Yourself Permission To Rest

 The more exhausted we become the more intense our anxiety can be. When we are tired, we are unable to think as clearly and life feels like nothing more than 1000 issues that we can’t resolve, swirling around all at once. Battling anxiety requires a great deal of mental energy. So, as hard as it can be, set a time to be in bed and stick to it. Tell yourself (out loud if necessary) that your day is over and you cannot accomplish anything else until morning. At that point, stop making lists (either on paper or in your head), let go, and go to sleep. This may take some practice and could include a few nights of staring at the ceiling, telling your brain to knock it off! But stay committed to the routine and your body will adjust.

Repeat After Me: “Who I Am Is More Than What I Do…”

 It’s incredibly tempting to believe that I am only doing well when I have done everything, and have done it perfectly. But that’s just not the case. Life is hard and we are imperfect. Even at our best, some tasks are impossible. Who you are is more than just a reflection of how well you perform. You can control your effort but not always the outcomes, so show yourself a bit or mercy. Think of all of the imperfect people that you love, odds are, several of them love you back just the way you are.

Implementing these three things into your life will reduce your anxiety and give you greater clarity in your thinking. We may not be able to avoid all anxiety in life, but we can keep it from controlling us!

Photo Courtesy of Death To Stock Photo

Relationships Part 1: Why Yours May Be Unhealthy And Unsatisfying

Have you ever felt that there just wasn’t enough of you to go around?

Have you ever felt that you are being pulled in too many directions?

Do you feel that you are surrounded by wonderful people but that you don’t get to relate to and enjoy them as much as you would like?

If you answered yes to any of the above questions, then you may be confusing “loving people” with “relating to people”.

Jesus’ call to love everyone isn’t a call to be in relationship with everyone. It’s impossible to be in relationship with everyone. Relationship requires effort, sacrifice, and time, and we only have limited amounts of those things. You only have 24 hours in a day, and you can’t stay awake for all of that for very long without suffering severe physical consequences. We have even less attention to give in a day than we do hours. You can only shove so many relationships into your life. Everyone won’t fit.

People who feel that they should relate to everybody equally have weaker and less satisfying relationships. I realize that the preceding statement is heavy, but it’s true.  It feels judgmental to choose to relate to some people and not others. It feels better to simply say, I will relate to everyone and exclude no one. The problem, however is that when you attempt to relate equally to everyone who pursues you for friendship or relationship, you will inevitably run out of time and energy at some point. When that happens it's impossible relate to more people. Not only that, you will be spent, and there will be very little of you left to relate to. Like it or not, you will be excluding people at that point. As much as we hate to admit it, the real question is not whether we will exclude people or not, but who will we exclude.

Healthy relational people make deliberate choices about where they will invest themselves relationally. You are going to make a relational impact in your life. Where you will make it and how deep will that impact be? Who gets the majority of your time? Who gets the majority of your focused attention? Where do you invest your affection? Are you getting a good return on your investment? Are the people that you say you love the most getting the best of you, or the leftovers?

If these questions have whet your appetite for relational growth, and you are eager to take the first step, stop back in at the blog tomorrow for how to take the first steps. Also, take a second and become a follower of this blog or leave a comment. I would love to hear your feedback. I look forward to meeting you back here soon!

Photo Courtesy of Death To Stock Photo

Your Limitations Are Tearing You Down But They Don't Have To!

There is something that each of us possesses that drives us crazy. It creates anxiety or it can leave us feeling defeated. It leads us to over-work at times, and to be apathetic at others. We do what we can to forget this truth about ourselves, but it continues to show up day after day after day. What is this troubling truth?

We have limitations.

We are imperfect.

We are incomplete.

No matter how much effort we put into our parenting, we say things that should have remain unsaid. We miss opportunities that we should have acted upon.

No matter how hard we work at our job, there are things left undone at the end of the day, projects that could have benefited from extra time. There are endless promotions to pursue that would challenge us more and compensate us better.

Even if we do our best and attain near perfection, there is always more to be done, more great things to be seen, more people to meet, more challenges to conquer.

Ancient Israelite king, Solomon, put it like this:

                “…the eye is not satisfied with seeing, nor the ear filled with hearing”

                                                                (Ecclesiastes 1:8)

One of my favorite artists of all time is Johannes Vermeer. As closely as we can tell there are 35 paintings done by Vermeer still in existence today. Two of those are, for a limited time, in a new exhibit at the NC Museum of Art. It’s an excellent opportunity to see something rare and beautiful, but my enjoyment of those paintings is clouded with something else. In the midst of enjoying the paintings in front of me, there's a little voice in my mind that says, “I really wish I could see some of his other works…”

The gift I have in front of me is never enough. There is more to see, and more to do. If we are not careful, we can allow our limitations to depress us or drive us into chaotic overdrive, neither of which are very enjoyable. Perhaps the most important thing to know about our limitations is:

It’s All Part of The Plan

You were never created to be able to do it all. We are hardwired to need other people and to need God. In other words, relationship flows out of our limitations. Your limitations are on purpose, and are there with your best interest in mind. Accomplishment is meaningless without relationship. To do our best at what's in front of us, and to enjoy, embrace, and lean on other people is the key to a wonderful life. When we surrender our need to get it all done, see it all, experience it all, or do it all perfectly we can slow down and fully embrace the moments that are right in front of us. Our minds won’t shoot of into thoughts of what we haven’t seen or haven’t done, and we can enjoy the beauty that we are blessed with right now.

So, be grateful for all you can’t do. It’s the secret to enjoying what you are fortunate enough to be able to do!

Photo courtesy of Mindi Holt

How To Turn Your Fear of Change Into Something Amazing

Few things scare us more than change. New expectations with my job at the office, a new teacher at school, new diseases springing up close to home, all of these things cause us stress. Our normal reaction to the fear we experience in the face of change is to try to stop the change. Our hope is that if we can control the changes around us, we will feel more at ease. This usually costs us a great deal of energy and stress, and ultimately doesn’t work. The reason it doesn’t work is that change is constant. No matter what we do, we are changing and the world is changing around us. If you are counting on halting change to stop your fear, then your fear will never go away.

We have two options when it comes to dealing with change:

Passively Endure It

Passively enduring change means that we feel that we are a prisoner to change. We wait for things to happen and then do our best to react. People who simply attempt to endure change often feel overwhelmed and can become very aggravated. When we try to deal with the changes around us as they come, we inevitably end up looking at change as an enemy to be battled against.

Deliberately Embrace It

The other option is to make our peace with the fact that life is constantly changing and to embrace it. When we choose to embrace the changes around us, we no longer see change as an enemy, but as an opportunity. Change is my chance to grow. Change offers me the ability to see life and myself in new ways.

A Final Word About Change

Mercifully there is one port in the storm of our constantly changing world. The authors of the Bible described God as the one thing in the universe that is unchanging. His love for you doesn’t waver. His thoughts of you won't ever change, and He will never leave you alone to face all of the difficult things that life can throw at you. 

Photo courtesy of Makena Madden

Stress Kills!!! Here's 3 Ways To Do Something About It

Stress kills. Not only is it a leading contributor to several types of illness, it is also one the main reasons our effectiveness suffers at work and at home. It also severely limits our ability to enjoy life. If you are interested in increasing your quality of life, then eliminating stress is a good place to start! Here are three things you can do today:

Say “No”

Odds are that you have too many things going on in your life, in fact it’s almost a guarantee. It doesn’t matter that all of your things are good things because even good things bring stress. Stress escalates exponentially as our calendar becomes more and more full. Opening up some margin in your life will immediately begin relieving the stress you feel.

Unplug

There’s just too much noise. It’s everywhere. We roll out of bed to silence our blaring alarm, and the noise doesn’t stop again until we fall asleep (sometimes not even then if you sleep with the tv or music on). Noise keeps your brain constantly engaged. Your mind tries to process sounds or filter them out. Like background programs that aren’t fully closed on your computer, constant noise keeps your brain running and expends precious energy that you can't afford to waste. Small , intentional periods of silence (wherever you can find them), allow you to center and relax.

Breathe

As simple as it sounds, people for centuries have understood the importance of controlling their breathing as a means to stress relief. When we are fully engaged, adrenaline pumping, stress rising, our breathing tends to be shallow and more rapid. Reminding ourselves to stop for a second here and there to take a couple of deep breaths is a simple way to recalibrate in the middle of a hectic day. As your breathing goes, so goes the rest of your body and mind.

As simple as these measures are, they can have an immediate impact on the level of stress that you carry. Do yourself a favor and pay attention to your stress levels today, you’ll be glad you did!

Photo courtesy of Mindi Holt

True Guilt vs. False Guilt (And Why The Difference May Be Wrecking Your Life)

True guilt can be an incredibly healthy thing. Feelings of guilt allow me to look honestly at myself and my actions. This enables me to address what I’ve done wrong, and if needed,  I can confess and seek forgiveness. Once the guilt has been addressed, the feelings will begin to dissipate over time. Honest feelings of guilt are an incredible gift.

False guilt on the other hand is corrosive and devastating. Few things can derail your life more than false guilt. False guilt often feels exactly like real guilt. That’s what makes it so difficult to deal with. The difference is that it tends to linger regardless of what action you take. False guilt is what happens when you feel guilty even though you've done nothing wrong. Those of us with especially sensitive hearts can be ravaged by false guilt. 

True guilt is present when objectively wrong actions have occurred by your hands. In other words for it to be true guilt, it has to be wrong, and you have to be one the one who did it. If either of these are not present, then that feeling churning in your stomach is false guilt . Here’s two important questions to ask to avoid carrying around the weight false guilt.

Is what I’ve done morally wrong?

Just because someone isn’t happy with you doesn’t mean that you have done something wrong. Remember, you are not responsible for how others feel! Using the Bible as direction, I believe that lying is morally wrong, as is stealing or lust for example. It is not wrong, however, to miss someone’s call, or to not be able to read their mind and predict what they want from you. If you haven’t done something morally wrong, then it’s not true guilt that you are feeling.

Was it my responsibility/decision?

Just because something bad happens around you doesn’t mean that you have done something wrong. Remember, you are not responsible for other people’s decisions! We can impact people, influence them, and encourage them, but when all is said and done, we have no power over what decisions they will make. You can raise a child as perfectly as you are able but, they still get to decide for themselves whether or not they want to become a drug addict, go to law school, or marry their cousin. So, don’t apologize for things you have no control over!

False guilt impacts our health and well-being in countless ways. It takes courage to admit when you are wrong, but it takes just as much courage sometimes to admit that you aren’t actually the one to blame. I hope these questions will help you know how to tell the difference!

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Wounds Don't Just Heal Themselves!

I grew up with two incredibly resilient parents. Both grew up deep in the mountains of western North Carolina. Both came from large families (13 siblings for my mom, 9 for my dad). Both grew up in poverty. Both suffered great loss, and both endured and created a good life for themselves. I don’t ever remember either of them talking to me directly about how to deal with hardships, but it was understood. “If life kicks you, kick back and keep moving. Don’t let what you feel affect what you do. No excuses, no feeling sorry for yourself. You may get knocked down, just don’t stay down.” Those thoughts have served me well, and while I am in no way as strong as they were, I am grateful that they raised me the way they did.

There are times, however, when gritting your teeth and pushing forward no longer works. There are some wounds in life that must be attended to, not just endured. Much like a bad cut that gets infected without proper attention, there are wounds to our soul which will never heal properly unless we intentionally address them. In the words of John Eldredge, “An unfelt wound is an unhealed wound.”

So if you have been through a hard time that you just can’t seem to shake, here are some things to consider:

Are You Hurt Or Are You Injured?

One of my favorite coaches in high school was fond of saying, “are you hurt or are you injured?” There’s a big difference in those two. If you are hurt or simply feeling pain, the best thing to do is to keep moving, and to push through. If you are injured, however, it would be foolish to try to continue playing, because it would only make the injury worse.  Here’s some question to give serious thought to: Has your broken relationship, betrayal, abusive past, etc… begun to affect the way you see yourself? Does it impact the way you make decisions in life? If the answer to these questions is yes, then you are likely injured and not just hurt.

Wounded Does Not Mean Weak.

It’s not weak to get a broken leg set in a cast, it’s smart. If you have been wounded by life, it’s not weak to stop and get some help. This is more than just having your feelings hurt or not getting your way. A wound that is not attended to can affect your quality of life for years.

Wounds Heal

There is hope. You do not have to carry around that pain for the rest of your life. Talk to a trusted friend or pastor. If needed, talk to a counselor. You invest time and money into your house and food and clothes, why not invest in the health and well-being of your soul?

If you have been wounded by life or by other people, you are not weak and you are not alone.  I hope you will find the courage to get help, and that you will enjoy the freedom that comes as your deepest wounds heal!

Quote from John Eldredge's book Wild at Heart

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The Essential Art of Saying "No" and How You Can Get Better At It

To live a healthy life we need the ability to say both “yes” and “no”. A healthy life doesn’t say yes to everything it is asked and it doesn’t say “no” all of the time either. To feel truly satisfied and fulfilled in life, you have to be in charge of your yes’s and no’s.  In other words, the more often you are able to say “yes” to something simply because you want to, and feel it’s the best course of action for you, the happier you will be. The same goes for saying “no”.  If you don’t feel free to say “no” at times in your relationships, then those relationships are not healthy.

This seems simple enough, but life is rarely simply. The complication comes with the fact that the people in your life don’t like to hear the word “no”. Some may get angry, some may give you the silent treatment, others may cry (usually those under age 5), and they all want you to give in and change your answer. Saying “no” and then sticking to our boundaries is a critical skill to have at work, church, and home. Are you having trouble saying “no” and sticking to it? Here are some possible reasons why….

You Are Saying No, But Explaining….

Your job isn’t to convince people in your life that you correct and justified when you decide to say no, it’s to simply communicate, “no”. If you need people to understand and buy into your decisions all of the time, then you are in trouble! A lot of times people won’t understand (everyone has blind spots), and many times they just won’t care!  You don’t have to explain yourself every time you make a decision. It’s your life, your time, and your energy, and you get to spend it however you choose.  Also, if someone is wanting to manipulate you into doing what they want, they will love your long explanations, because it gives them the time and opportunitiy to wear you down to get you to give in. It’s not rude to just say “no” and go about your business.

You Are Saying No, But Apologizing For It….

It’s not bad to say “no”. You don’t have to feel guilty when you can’t or won't give what someone is asking of you. It’s ok to disagree with what others may be saying or asking, and go your own way. If you apologize every time you say “no”, people will begin to assume that you are wrong, and will press you even more forcefully. The only healthy time to apologize is when you have done something wrong! Throwing out apologies all of the time is dishonest. If you are like me, you will mess up plenty in life, save your apologies for those times when you have actually done or said something wrong!

You Are Not Saying No At All….

Every skilled manipulator is looking for someone to run over. Don’t be that person for them! Your opinion matters, and your personal boundaries matter.  Standing up for yourself sometimes and saying “no” reminds people that you are a person worthy of respect. You matter and your thoughts matter, so don’t just go along with everyone else all of the time!

Saying “no” isn’t easy, but it’s a crucial part of a healthy life. I hope you will find the courage to practice your “no”, and that in doing so, you will be reminded of your value in the relationships in your life!

Photo Courtesy of Death To The Stock Photo

How Hurry Can Wreck Your Life

I move quickly.

If I am not careful, I live my waking hours at a frantic pace. I’m not sure when I started living like this, I just know that I tend to do everything in fast forward. I get out of my car quickly when I park, I walk quickly, I eat quickly, and if I can multi-task another activity during those things, I do it. I know it’s not good when I live life this way. It’s like I’m fighting against the day rather than just living in it. If you could watch a video of my day, you would swear that the most important thing in my life is efficiency, and while I really do prize being efficient, I don’t want to look back on my life and marvel at the number of things I could accomplish in a day. I would rather take time to enjoy carefully chosen things in my life.

Maybe you spend your life in a hurry too. Dallas Willard once said, “Hurry is the great enemy of spiritual life in our day. You must ruthlessly eliminate hurry from your life.” When I hurry, I am secretly saying to myself that what I have now is not enough. I need to achieve more. I have to see more. I’ve got to get one more thing done before bed, and I can get one more thing on the list crossed off if I just wake up 20 minutes earlier in the morning. We spend our lives conquering the world only to realize that we have not enjoyed or even noticed a single second of it.

Hurry is the state of being in which we want to accomplish more and have more than we currently do. It’s what happens when we feel the need to be more than we currently are. Hurry feeds off of discontent, and discontent makes life unbearable. Of course we all want to grow and move forward in our lives, there's nothing wrong with that, but the only way to grow is to stop slamming myself for where I am right now.  If we are able to slow down enough to be fully present in our current moment, we will be able to see the value in the people and activities around us. Hurry erodes when we embrace our present moments for all they are worth, rather than rushing through them to whatever might be next. When we are able to slow down, we can see that God has given us our present moments as a gift to be enjoyed and embraced, even when they are difficult or unexpected. 

I hope you find time to slow down today, and that in those moments, you will feel God's great love for you.

Photo courtesy of Death To Stock Photo

Dallas Willard's quote is from John Ortberg's newest: Soul Keeping.  

3 Ways To Increase Your Quality of Life By Decreasing Your Stress!!!

Few things can adversely affect your life more than stress, and that’s a bad thing because stress is everywhere. Stress can come from both good and bad events in life. There’s the obvious stress of losing a job or having a very tight personal budget, but good events can be just as stressful. When someone brings home a new baby or finally gets that promotion at work, brand new expectations and demands bring with them a great deal of stress. Consequences of prolonged periods of stress can be headaches, stomach issues, and physical fatigue just to mention of a few. If stress is not dealt with properly it can also lead to burnout or long-term physical impairment. On top of all of that, handling stress well is one of the primary keys to increasing your quality of life. So, with that in mind, here are three things that will help you begin managing your stress more effectively today:

Find a Physical Outlet

Lots of stress comes from thinking, re-thinking, and thinking again about the problem at hand. It can feel like a Category 5 hurricane is churning around inside of you. Exerting physical energy can begin to unlock some of the knots that are forming in your stomach. Head to the gym, go for a walk or a swim, or see how far you can throw your neighbor’s cat and still have it land on its feet (word of caution: this sort of exercise is best attempted when your neighbor is not at home). Anything that expends energy and possibly creates a bit of sweat will help!

Get Lost in Something You Love

I know your day is extremely busy, and I know that you have 73 more things to check off of your to-do list before bed, but making time for things you enjoy is crucial. In fact, cutting out at least 30 minutes a day to do something you love will make you more productive when you go back to the 73 things on your  to-do list. Read a book, listen to music, head to the museum, or catch up on your favorite tv show. Your mind and body respond better when you can turn your internal motor on and off during the day, rather than turning it up to level 10 when you wake up and grinding it out until you fall into bed exhausted at midnight. Also, it’s easier to attack a difficult task when you know that later in the day you are going to get some time off to enjoy yourself.

Change Your Environment

When you have found that stress has driven you into a rut and you can’t think clearly, sometimes the best option is a change of scenery. It doesn’t have to be a dramatic change, sometimes 20 minutes in your favorite coffee shop or a quick walk around the block will do the trick. You need new sights, sounds, and smells to snap out you of your rut. Everybody is different, so play around with different options to see what works best for you!

Stress is an inevitable part of life, but it doesn’t have to destroy your quality of life. Employing the tips listed above can go a long way into making the stress in your life manageable, so that you can enjoy this journey for all it’s worth!

Photo Courtesy of Death To Stock Photo