As a minister and counselor, I’ve sat across from countless couples who were seeking to restore, repair, or rebuild their families.
When I asked what they felt the biggest problem in their relationship was, the
overwhelming majority answered, “communication”. Everyone knows that
communication is an essential component of healthy relationships, but did you know
that not all communication is relational? Here are three signs that your communication isn’t making your relationships stronger:
Your communication is
only to give or receive information.
Many people only communicate when they need to find out
information. “What time is soccer practice tomorrow?” Are you picking up dinner
tomorrow night or should we make something here?” “Did you pay the electric
bill last month?” This sort of communication is important, and relationships struggle without it. If, however, this is the only communication that’s going
on in your family, the bonds that hold you together are growing weaker by the
day. Communication isn’t always about getting answers, sometimes it’s about
being known. There needs to be conversations that take place simply to let the
other person know what’s on your mind. Sometimes we just need to talk
things out, other times we simply need to be heard.
Your communication
doesn’t foster a greater understanding of the other person.
This builds on the last point. Healthy communication isn’t
just about information: “how much did the plumber charge us?”, it’s about the people
who are talking back and forth. The amount of the plumber's bill is important,
but it’s also important to know why your wife is so afraid of the family
running out of money. You should learn why your husband feels humiliated to have
someone else make repairs in the house, or maybe you should find out why your
spouse seems checked out about the whole process. Communicating is a way of
getting to know the people around you better,and every challenge that comes up is an opportunity to communicate and connect. If none of your conversations
lead to a better understanding of the person you are talking to, then you are
missing something.
Your communication is
all statements and no questions.
When someone never asks questions you can assume that they either want to control the conversation they are having or that they don’t
really care what you think about things. Questions open people up. When I ask a
question, I am making space for a conversation to go someplace I didn’t
foresee, which can be scary, but healthy. Questions allow my conversations to become
less about me and more about the person I am talking to. When two people in a
relationship are willing to ask honest questions from time to time, and not simply blurt out what they think, the
relationship grows stronger.
All relationships need communication, but all communication
isn’t relational. Take some time today and ask the people around you a few
questions and get to know them better. You will be communicating more
effectively and your relationships will become more enjoyable.
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