How To See The Danger You Can't See: 3 Ways To Deal With The Blindspots In Your Life

I love quotes. I love it when someone is able to package words together in a memorable and insightful way. It’s not an easy task. Most of us throw out thousands of words a day, and few of them seem to stick. I stumbled upon a quote recently that stopped me in my tracks.

                “The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but a wise man listens to advice.”1

The quote is from the mid 900’s BC by the Jewish King, Solomon. Even though the quote is approximately 3000 years old, it is still incredibly powerful. We have the power to convince ourselves that we are right even when we are dead wrong. I bet you’ve got examples of this from your own life, I know I do. There are moments from my past that still cause me to cringe when I look back. At the time, however, I had convinced myself that I was right, or that what I was about to do or say didn’t really matter that much. Our ability to deceive ourselves is incredibly dangerous.

The second half of Solomon’s proverb describes how to deal with our powers of self-delusion. “A wise man listens to advice”. So, how can we embrace the wisdom of this thought and protect ourselves from being blindsided by bad decisions?

Seek Advice From Experienced Sources

Most of us have a consistent pool of people that we share our lives with. Most often, these people are a lot like us. They may have kids our age. They live the same neighborhoods, or attend a lot of the same activities. It’s natural to limit ourselves to the advice and insight of people in our peer group. The problem can be that those in our peer group are often limited by the same things that limit us. They are asking the same questions and facing the same challenges. It’s always a good idea to seek out someone a bit older who has had life experiences that you haven’t had yet. Find someone who has been in your business for 20 years longer than you have. If you have children, find someone with grandchildren. Experience is a powerful teacher, and if you can learn from someone else's experiences, you will save yourself a ton of grief and frustration.

Seek Advice Close To Home

Even though we don’t want to limit ourselves to our peer group when looking for advice, we definitely want to take advantage of what they have to offer.  If you are a software designer, there are things only another software designer can teach you. If you are a stay at home mom, there are challenges that you face that only another stay at home mom can fully appreciate.

Clearly Ask For What You Want

Once you’ve found someone that may have wisdom that could help you, you will need to give that person permission to speak into your life. Many people are hesitant to share their thoughts and advice with others. No one wants to seem pushy or intrusive. If you really want to know what someone thinks about something, ask them directly. When they do share with you, make sure you receive what they say with grace and gratitude, even if what they share is tough to swallow! Sometimes the advice we need the most can make us uncomfortable. If you are gracious when others share with you, they will be more likely to share with you in the future.

We can all fool ourselves into thinking that we are right about everything going on in our lives. So, it’s important to have trusted sources of advice and wisdom that we can tap into. There are likely people already around you who can offer wisdom that would make your life better. Look for them and invite them into your life. You will be glad you did!

1 - Proverbs 12:15 (ESV)

Are Your Relational Investments Giving You Good Returns?

I have a few small financial investments to help provide for retirement. Like most people who have had money invested over the past few years, those quarterly statements have not been pretty. There is nothing worse than getting a bad return on what you have invested. People who are experienced with the stock market know that it’s crucial to find someone who knows how much to invest and where to invest it. The same is true in our relationships. You invest time, energy, and resources into every relationship you have. If you invest wisely, you will have healthy and enjoyable relationships. If you invest poorly, your relationships will suffer. So, how can you know if you are investing wisely in your relationships?  Start by asking yourself these questions:

Am I investing heavily in my “onlys”?

I am my daughter’s only Dad, and my wife’s only husband (thank goodness). No one will invest in my daughter as her father if I don’t. If I fail to give her the time and attention she needs, she will suffer. The same goes for my wife. Since I am the only husband she has, she needs me to invest as a husband should. Your “onlys” are your most important relationships. It’s easy to overlook those closest to us, and assume that they are fine. But, if you don’t prioritize your “onlys”, those relationships will suffer, and so will you.

Am I investing based on need or priority?

“The squeaky wheel gets the grease”, the old saying goes, and it’s true. Many times we invest our time and energy in people that are the most demanding. It may be work or a needy friend. It’s not wise to rely on other people to determine how we invest our relational energy. You have to be the one to choose where and how much you invest. Which relationships do you have that are the most important to you? Are there people that you care about that are going through a difficult time and therefore need more of you now than usual? You need to be the one to decide who gets your time and attention.

Am I overestimating how much I have to invest?

You are limited. You have limited hours. You have limited energy. That means you have a limited amount that you can invest in relationships. If you don’t choose where to invest, you limits will choose for you. How many people get to the weekend and finally have time with their family, only to have nothing left to give? It’s easy to overestimate how much time and energy you have available to you.  Be honest with yourself about how much energy and time you have so you can make a deliberate choice about how to invest them wisely.

Wise relational investments will give you the best returns of all. They will give your life stability and meaning. Take some time and evaluate your investments today.

How Much Is Enough: Why We Burn Out

I ran long-distance races for my track team in high school. I wasn’t very good, but evidently neither were a lot of people in my conference. So, I could be counted on to finish third or fourth at most meets and get a few points for our team. I remember clearly the nightmare of each lap of my 2-mile race. After two laps I would ask myself, “Why didn’t I run the 800m?” After four laps I would ask, “Seriously, why could I not have run the mile race?”  One thing I did like about track and field was the clarity. There was no question about how far you needed to run. The finish line was clearly marked. The laps were loudly counted as teammates cheered you on. You knew exactly how far was far enough. You might not be able to get there as quickly as you liked, but you knew when you had done enough.

Knowing when we have done enough can be a challenge for many of us. I stumbled across this line from Barbara Brown Taylor’s great book, Leaving Church that I can relate to, and maybe you can as well:

     “No matter how many day planners I bought, none of them told me when I had done enough.”1

Our relationships can always benefit from more time and energy. Work always has more tasks for us to complete. We can always come in a little bit earlier and stay a little bit later. The chores around the house are never ending. We can read more, learn more, achieve more. There is always more. When we always pursue more, we inevitably believe that we have not done enough. That sort of compulsion, though often applauded in our society is destructive. To avoid the burnout of endless striving, we have to make some choices:

Choose Who

There will always be an abundance of people who want your time and energy. If you don’t make choices about who you want to get your best time and most focused energy, then life will decide for you. Are the most important people in your life getting your leftovers? Is it possible that the people who need you most, see you the least?

Choose What

There are an infinite number of things to do every day. You will only get a few of them done, no matter how productive you are or how hard you work. You have limits. If you can’t do it all (and you can’t), then you need to choose what gets done and what remains undone. It’s easy to do what is most urgent each day rather than focusing on what is more important.  Remember, urgent doesn’t always equal important.  

Choose When

You are a very different person at 9am than you are at 2pm. You are different later that night after dinner. When you do your important work and when you engage your important relationships matters a great deal. You want the best of you to engage the things that are most vital. It’s possible to waste your most clear and energetic hours each day doing things like returning email or scrolling through Facebook. Email and Facebook aren’t bad, they are just not likely your most important priorities today. 

Choosing with clarity what "enough" means for you is the key to avoiding burnout and stress. No one knows what matters to you more than you, so take some time today and make some choices about how your are spending your time and energy. When you have done "enough", take some time to be thankful for the opportunities and choices you have! 

1- Barbara Brown Taylor, Leaving Church (New York, NY: HarperCollins 2006)

3 Reasons You Are Not Achieving The Goals That You Set For Yourself (And What You Can Do About It!)

You’re being too general.

It’s sounds great to have “be a better Dad” as a goal, but what does that actually mean? The more specific your goal, the more likely you are to achieve it. It’s discouraging to work hard on a goal, and then  not be able to see if you are succeeding because your goal is too general. It’s much easier to tell if you are having one quality conversation with your daughter a night for instance, or if you are leaving work 15 minutes earlier to spend time with your son.

You’re focusing too much on your weaknesses.

Goals can definitely help us shore up our weak spots, but constantly focusing on our weak spots is not healthy. Many people who are new to setting goals will choose their biggest weaknesses and try to overcome them in goal form. This is admirable but inevitably leads to discouragement. Your weaknesses are your weaknesses for a reason. We all have areas we are not naturally talented in and don’t enjoy, thus the weakness. Targeting only these areas will become overwhelming and frustrating. Instead choose a couple of goals that take things you are good at and enjoy, and elevate them to a new level. It will inspire you and give you greater confidence as you chip away at your weaknesses.

You’re chasing other people’s dreams.

We’ve all been here. You have coffee with a good friend and she tells you about the exciting things she is going to tackle in the upcoming weeks or months. They are so exciting in fact, that you decide that they should be goals that you have as well, and off you go! The problem is that her goals, as good as they may be, might not lead you to your desired destination with regards to your work, family, and friends. Your goals need to specifically fit you and your desired future.

Set your goals honestly and realistically and release that great passion of yours as you seek to change you and your world!

Photo Courtesy of Death To Stock Photo