Great families don’t just happen. They require thought and
effort. The same is true of any grouping of people. You can have great athletes
and not have a great team. Companies can hire the best and the brightest and
still go bankrupt. Families can be composed of great fathers, mothers, and
children and still not function well together as a family. While you can’t run
your family like a company or football team, there are similarities that need
to be noted. Greg McKeown in his insightful book, essentialism, explains one of the things that families have in
common with all teams and companies:
“With
no clear direction, people pursue the things that advance their own short-term
interests, with little awareness of how their activities contribute (or in some
cases, derail) the long-term mission of the team as a whole.”1
It’s the natural instinct of all people to do what they
think is best. It may not always be the best decision, but it seems best at the
time. Our kids will do what they think is fun, or will make them more popular,
or will gain them praise from a coach or teacher. Parents might put in the
extra hours that will get them a promotion or raise at work. They might also
join clubs or activities for their children that they think will best prepare
them for later life. None of these decisions are bad per se.
The problem for most families is that while their decisions may be good for
individual parts of the family, they do nothing to make the family better as a
whole.
We are quick to rail against basketball players that are
selfish and never pass to teammates. They may score 60 points a game, but their team
suffers. We get angry at CEO’s who give themselves lavish raises while their company
struggles. We ignore, however, all of the hours and dollars that are spent on
individual persons in our family, while the family grows weaker and less
effective.
Is your family doing a lot of good things that may be
damaging the family as a whole? Here are a couple of questions to ask yourself:
What is our purpose
as a family?
Some companies exist to make money, others exist to raise
awareness for issues they feel are important. Many companies don’t know their true
purpose (don’t worry about figuring out which companies those may be, they won’t
be around long anyway). The purpose of a company drives the behavior of a
company. In the same way, the purpose of a family will drive the actions and
decisions of that family. If you don’t have a clear purpose, you have no way of
knowing if you are winning or losing.
Will the activities
we have on our calendar help us fulfill our purpose?
Once you know your purpose, you can use it to gain greater clarity
about what to do with your time. There are a thousand good options to engage in
every week, but only a few that are best for your family. Having a clear
purpose allows you to find those things and commit to them. Understanding your
purpose also allows you to say “no” to things that seem good without feeling
guilty or unsure of yourself.
Does my family know
our purpose?
Having purpose is useless if your family doesn't know it. Your family can’t support their purpose if it isn’t talked about and
explained from time to time. Clear purpose makes discipline and sacrifice possible. For example, it’s hard for your teenager to not obsess over new game system he’s been
wanting. It’s easier to put off getting it if he knows that the family is saving up for a great
vacation in a couple of months.
These questions aren’t easy and will require a good deal of
thought and communication in your family, but they are critical to your success
as a team. A clear sense of direction also makes the journey a lot more
enjoyable. So, set aside a couple of hours on your calendar this week and begin
asking the hard questions. You’ll be glad you did!
Photo Courtesy of Death To Stock Photo
1- Greg McKeown, essentialism (New York, NY: Crown Publishing, 2014)
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