The Right Way To Be Wrong

To err is human…

-Alexander Pope

Alexander Pope knew us pretty well. We all mess up. We all fail. It’s a given for all humans. How we handle our failure and mistakes is what sets people apart. How can we respond to our own failures in ways that lead to growth and success?

If we are to deal well with failure we have to rid ourselves of the toxic responses we often have when things don't go well with us. Few things are more toxic than blame.

Toxic Response to Failure #1: Blame Others

This response to failure goes back all the way to the beginning. The first man to walk the planet had made his first mistake, broken his first rule, failed his first test. He ate the one thing that was off limits. How did he respond? 

Eve made me do it. 

And how did Eve handle Adam dumping all of the responsibility on to her?

The snake made me do it. 

We’ve been blaming others for our problems ever since.

       Why did you yell at your sister?

            Because she made me angry!

       Why is the project late?

            It's not my fault, Bob took too long getting the numbers to me.

We do it without even thinking.

And who can blame us? Anger feels much better than hurt. It hurts to admit you were wrong. It’s much more fun to be angry. Also, there’s an added bonus. If it’s someone else’s fault, then fixing it is someone else’s responsibility. Not only do we not have to feel the pain of being wrong, we don’t have to do the hard work of fixing the problem. It’s a win-win.  Except that it isn’t.

When you blame others, you effectively stop growing. If there are parts of you or things you have done that you can’t be honest with yourself about, growth is impossible. The truth is that we are impacted by others, and many times their mistakes do indeed impact our own, but we alone are responsible for our decisions, our emotions, and our attitudes.

So, don’t pretend that others haven’t hurt you. They have, and mostly likely they will again. But, be honest with yourself about your part of the mess. That’s the only part you have any power to fix, and owning that is the beginning of true growth and character development. 

How To Avoid Damaging Others With The Bible

I know a great photographer. My family has used her on a couple of different occasions, and she is simply the best. Everyone who sees her pictures absolutely loves them.  I would recommend her highly and will use her for all of our photographic needs. How much sense would it make though if I asked her to bring over all of her equipment to the house to help me with my most pressing need right now, a deck that desperately needs to be stained? No matter how superior her camera and lighting is, it won’t do much good on the deck. It wouldn’t make sense, no matter how great she is with photography to expect her to be equally prepared and skilled when it comes to carpentry or fly fishing or chemical engineering.

But many of us have been taught that it’s ok to treat the Bible that way.

The Bible is life giving. Every word it says is true. It informs our lives. It guides, inspires, and corrects. But, in the words of Reggie Joiner, “the Bible is all true, but not all truth is found in the Bible”. Yet we stretch the Bible to force answers that it doesn’t supply on it's own. Here are three things we can all do to avoid damaging others with the Bible:

Quit Using The Bible To Speak When It Is Silent

Just because the Bible doesn’t tell us the year that the universe was created doesn’t mean that it’s less valuable. There is no reason to be afraid of what the Bible doesn’t include. God inspired the writing of the Bible to include what it includes. He has also inspired it to leave out what it leaves out. If He is ok with us not having all of the answers, then we can be ok with it too.

Quit Using The Bible As A Fact Finding Tool

The Bible wasn’t written to supply you with pithy answers to atheists who challenge you. It’s a bad idea to use the Bible to try to prove how wrong other people are. The Bible is a beautiful collection of stories, history, and poetry. It’s a story to be caught up in, not a tool to bludgeon others with. When we read the Bible with the primary goal of relating to God we will never be disappointed.

Quit Using The Bible To Try To Prove Your Point  

When we go to the Bible to back up what we already believe we close our eyes to things that God may be interested in showing us. The Bible is not a tool to prove how right you are.  It’s an invitation by the God of the universe to open our hearts and minds and be changed. When we read the Bible we are entering into a relationship. In the same way that it’s not good to use someone for our own purposes, it’s bad to use the Bible simply to win arguments.

The Bible is a powerful book. It doesn’t need to be twisted to do things it doesn’t do. It does everything we need for it to do. When we force the Bible to say things it isn’t really saying, we either become discouraged or we hurt other people, and the Bible doesn’t exist for either of those purposes.

Quote from Reggie Joiner at Orange Tour Charlotte 2015

How Telling People How Wrong They Are Can Hide The Truth

Why do we so desperately want to tell people what they are doing wrong? It starts young. If you have brothers and sisters, you know what I’m talking about. One of the high points of the day for lots of children is catching their sister doing something she shouldn’t. He’ll tell her or mom or whoever will listen, how wrong it is leave the legos spread around the floor.  Even when we're young, we love telling people what they are doing wrong.

This seems especially prevalent in the church. Sometimes it seems that a majority of sermons are about something or someone that is wrong. I’d like to stop for a second and simply ask the question: Why are we so obsessed with telling people how wrong they are? Many people will say that telling people that they are wrong is loving. Love is honest, that’s true. But if we are honest with ourselves, love is usually how we rationalize that deep desire to talk about how wrong the wrong stuff is. I doubt anyone sits around thinking, “how can I show this person how much I love them… oh yeah, I’ll tell them about all of the things they do that are wrong!”.

Seems like a bit of a stretch.

I normally know when I’m doing something wrong. I don’t always admit that I know, but deep inside I know. Maybe other people are like that too. What if the thing that people really struggle to believe is that God loves them, and that God isn’t scared off by whatever wrong they are wrapped up in. The good news of the Gospel is about God’s refusal to be held back by the sin in us and around us. The point is that we are to take our eyes off of how messed up we are and to fix them on Jesus, who is for us. I believe that is the message that people need to hear the most, not how weak they are, but how strong God is. We can't right our wrongs by ourselves anyway. We need God's help.

“But wait a minute!”, you may be saying, “so many people act like they are doing nothing wrong!”. I know. So do you and so do I. What breaks me out of pretending that I’ve got it all together is a reminder that because of Jesus, I don’t have  to have it all together. He does. I just need to trust Him.

So, let’s stop obsessing about who’s wrong (we all are), and let’s start obsessing about a God who loves us more than we can imagine. That sort of love tends to right wrongs better than our accusations ever could.

Photo courtesy of Death To Stock Photo

How To Receive The Advice You Desperately Need

As I have written often in this blog, communication is the lifeblood of relationships. That statement is not a new idea, but we often live as if we don’t believe it. Communication takes work. It’s a skill that has to be practiced and maintained. Samuel Johnson wrote about one component of good communication:

                “Advice is seldom welcome. And those who need it most, like it least.”

The ability to listen to things you may not want to hear, or to receive thoughts that may differ from your own is an elite-level communication skill. It’s easier to assume that you have things figured out and simply block out dissenting voices. Ignoring the advice or insight of others shuts down communication and will eventually damage the relationship. Here are three things you can do to be more open to the thoughts of others:

Ask For Input

Your co-workers, volunteers, or family members may not feel comfortable sharing their thoughts with you. This is especially true if you have not received their input well in the past. The people around you have valuable thoughts and insight, but they might need an invitation to share it with you.

Appreciate All Advice

When people share their ideas with you, they are sometimes sharing something very personal. So, listen well. Make eye contact. Allow them to finish their thoughts before you jump in. When they have finished, thank them for their input, not in a quick way to end the conversation, but in a genuine way. Appreciating someone’s thoughts will often cause them to be more open to share them with you again in the future. 

Act On It, Sometimes

It wouldn’t be wise to act on every piece of advice that you are given. Your experience and wisdom matters too.  It’s also a bad idea to never act on what others tell you. If you never change your thinking after talking with someone else they will eventually stop sharing their thoughts. You know you aren’t perfect, that means that there are times when others thoughts are going to be better than yours. Practice the humility required to listen to others and change course when needed.

When you have the ability to hear hard things and to act accordingly, your relationships become more healthy, and you become more productive. It’s not always easy, but it’s a skill that you can develop with practice, and it’s a skill worth having. 

Photo Courtesy of Death To Stock Photo

How To Fight Poverty In 2015

Many of us have heard about CEO of Gravity Payments Dan Price, implementing a plan to raise all of this employee’s salaries to $70,000 over the next three years. Price is personally bearing the weight of the pay hikes by dropping his salary from $1 million to the minimum $70,000. 1 The hope is that the new pay scale will help improve the emotional well-being of his employees. It’s hard not to admire the move that Price has made. In a world where everyone seems out to get all they can, it’s refreshing to find a leader who is willing to sacrifice for the well-being of his entire team.

The experiment at Gravity Payments has caused many to leap another idea:  if somehow, everyone could have the same amount of money, wouldn't poverty be eradicated as well as most crime and injustice? This thought is very attractive. After all, the overwhelming majority of people on our planet despise poverty and would love for its misery to end. But would giving everyone money solve the problem?  While it wouldn’t necessarily be a bad thing, it wouldn’t solve the problem.

The problem of poverty has existed as long as humans have existed. The issue is addressed as God gave structure to what life would look like for the nation of Israel in the Jewish Torah (or Christian Old Testament). In chapter 15 of the book of Deuteronomy we read that God also despises poverty. It also indicates that poverty will not ever completely go away (at least not until God sets everything right when Jesus returns to the earth). God’s plan for Israel to deal with poverty  was simple and direct. The plan combined generosity, restoration, and responsibility.

“For there will never cease to be poor in the land. Therefore I command you, ‘You shall open wide your hand to your brother, to the needy and to the poor, in your land.” 2

Generosity

The people were to “open wide their hand” to people in need. They were instructed to give generously to those who were hurting. They were to give even though they might not be repaid.3 There was a practice in place that if someone lost everything and could no longer feed themselves, that they could sell themselves to a neighbor or friend. They would then work for that person for 7 years and be fed and housed and receive a modest income. At the end of that time they were released and the “owner” was instructed to give to that person, animals from his own flocks, grain from his own silos, and wine from his own presses.4  Not only was the person fed and clothed when he couldn’t have done those things for himself, he was mentored for 7 years by a person who was thriving financially, and he was given enough to make a fresh start for himself once he left. That’s breathtaking generosity.

Restoration

That sort of generosity leads to restoration. The person who only 7 years ago had nothing, now has crops, supplies, and animals of their own.  More importantly they now had the chance to make it on their own. They could work for themselves. They could plant as much as they like and tend their animals however they thought best. They were not only given means but also dignity and confidence.

Responsibility

That led to a period of responsibility. They now were on their own. It was theirs to make or break. They had to work for 7 years to get this new start and they would now have to work to multiply their crops and herds.  Generosity without restoration and responsibility is futile. Money itself isn’t the solution. It’s helping people gain the skills and strengths to provide for themselves and possibly others that reaps long term rewards.

The challenge of this plan is that it can't come through government mandate. The writer of Deuteronomy warned against the bitterness that can arise out of giving grudgingly. Enforced generosity can create as many problems as it solves. The only stable answer is people who are willing to give compassionately and freely. This is where we as Christians must step up. The point for us today is clear. There will always be poverty, so we must always be generous. We must add to our generosity a vision for restoration when possible. We must help, but always allow people to be responsible for themselves as quickly as possible. 

Photo: By Alex Proimos from Sydney, Australia (The Hand  Uploaded by russavia) [CC BY 2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons

1- See New York Times article here

2- Deuteronomy 15:11 (English Standard Version)

3- Deuteronomy 15:9 (English Standard Version)

4- Deuteronomy 15:14 (English Standard Version)

Why Fighting Fire With Fire Will Only Get You Burned

Trying to live the life that Jesus modeled and has called us to isn’t easy. It would be easier if we could be totally surrounded by others who are also trying to follow Jesus. The world we live in, however, plays by very different rules. One of the most dangerous temptations Christians fall into is the “let’s beat them at their own game” mindset. This way of thinking believes that Christian ideals should be brought about by any means necessary. We should wield political power, and rally blocks of voters to persuade politicians to enforce Christian rules. If we disagree with businesses, we should boycott their products and services. Hit them where it hurts. Pressure them financially to back down or change course. Military power can be leveraged as well. After “the saints go marching in”, let’s send the Marines.

We picket. We protest. We buy billboards for Christians slogans.   We try to beat the world using the tactics of the world. For the most part, I don’t believe this has come about as a result of bad motives. Many Christians fear for their world, and the damage that is being done through reckless and selfish actions. Whether the motives are good or bad however, this is not how Jesus modeled for us to influence the world.

Remember….

Jesus could have politically outmaneuvered the Pharisees and the Roman government. He was astounding religious leaders in the temple with his understanding even as a child. He had the ability to outsmart the system and to bring political change.

But He didn’t.

Jesus could have used military force to conquer the world. Angel armies beat any other armies you can imagine. Jesus had access to all the firepower He could have needed. Many of his followers were spoiling for a good fight anyway

But He didn’t.

Jesus could have bought and sold Rome thousands of times over. The wealth of heaven is pretty formidable. When you use gold as pavement, you live in pretty swanky neighborhood.

But He didn’t.

Jesus method was different. Jesus loved people. He was honest. And when the time came, He suffered and died. The resulting change in hearts and minds has lasted for over 2000 years and has touched every corner of the world.

Like Jesus we are called to love a world that will often not love us back. We are called to be honest and humble when arrogance and lying most often win the day. We are called to lose at every turn and to love those who seem to be defeating us. The way of Jesus isn’t the way of the world. When we follow Jesus we can stay calm even when it feels that the world is crumbling all around us. God has been at work. He is at work, and He will complete His work. That completed work will be far more wonderful, peace-filled, and fulfilling than anything we can imagine.

So, Christian friends, here are a few thoughts:

Vote. Have a voice politically. But don’t lose your mind when your candidate doesn’t win. And quit calling the other candidate an antichrist. It makes us all look bad.

Support our military men and women for the sacrifices they make for our country. Be there for them in their times of need when they return home. But stop taking joy in the thought that “bad guys” will be blown off the map. Jesus died for them too. They should be held accountable for their actions, but God never gives up on anyone. So, you should stop doing it.

Be wise financially. Spend you money on things that last. Use it to bring mercy and hope. After all, money can never buy you safety and security. It’ll only rent them for a while. In the end, mercy and hope are better investments.

Photo Courtesy of Death To Stock Photo

Making The Trades That Make Life Great

When I was child I was told, “you can do whatever you set your mind to”. What liars those people turned out to be! Yes, you can do lots of things in life if you are willing to work for it. The problem is that you can’t do everything you want in life, at least not well.

Life has limits. Everybody and everything has limits. We only have 24 hours to spend each day. If we don’t spend a good amount of that time sleeping, our health and performance will suffer. If we don’t spend some of that time eating and drinking our strength and eventually our health will diminish. Most of us have to work, and most of us have relationships that we value that require time as well. We also have clubs, sports, hobbies, and chores that demand attention. There are books to be read, plays to be seen, and sights to travel to. How can we possibly fit it all in?

We can’t.

The only way to have a satisfying life is to accept the truth of trade-offs. Everything in life costs something.  It may cost you time, money, energy, or all of the above, but it will always cost something. You will have to trade your time to build relationships in life. We trade energy to be a part of the basketball league. We trade money for a place to live, plane tickets, and meals. There are limits however to the time, energy, and money we have to trade. So you have to be deliberate about what you trade and what you receive in return. Everything in life is a trade-off, but are you getting what you want out of the trades?

Ignoring the reality of our limits and the truth of trade-offs doesn’t change the facts. Pretending that you can do everything without ever having to say "no" will only work for a while. You will still make trade-offs, it’s just that you won’t be one determining which trades you make. If you don’t decide which trades in life to make, life will make those choices for you.

So, if you find yourself dissatisfied with your life and relationships, take a second and ask yourself, “What do I really want most in my life?” When you have that answer, you are ready for the follow-up question, “How can I trade my time, energy, and money to get the things I want most?”  Trade-offs are a reality of life, but if you trade wisely they can lead to a satisfying and enjoyable life.

Why Teaching The Gospel Isn't Enough

Teaching the Gospel doesn’t change lives, implementing the Gospel does. 

It seems like a small point, but many churches are struggling because they haven't embraced this truth. As products of the Enlightenment, we have all been taught that education changes lives.  It’s true that education is very important. In the realm of Christianity, or even basic morality, however, it’s not enough. Let’s face it, there are lots of smart, really mean people in the world. Some of them may even call themselves Christian. 

When things go wrong, we lament as a society that the offending parties had not been educated properly. If they had a quality education, they would never have committed these crimes or have gotten themselves into financial or relational trouble. Even in the church we have adopted this mentality. When marriages are breaking down, or our kids aren’t behaving properly or our numbers are off, we seek out new teaching curricula. We set up new Bible study groups. We ask people to pray more. We work harder and beg others to work harder as well. But, it doesn’t work.

The educational material available in the last 20 years has been incredible.  We have unparalleled access to books from every century. We have amazing video resources and podcasts from the greatest teachers on the planet. We can research anything we want on the internet. We can pull up info at our fingertips, that the most wealthy and educated people of the last century could never have dreamed of having.  If teaching more often and effectively was the answer, we would have solved all of our problems long ago. Our problem is not a lack of teaching or poor teaching, it’s a lack of implementation.

I’m not saying that teaching isn’t important, of course it is. It’s just incomplete. So, why do we spend so much time teaching and so little time helping people implement what they already know?

Implementation Requires Relationship, Teaching Doesn’t

You can teach others without ever having a meaningful relationship with them. In the past, when Christian truths were taught to large groups, those people took what they learned and worked it out in the setting of their relationships at home. You can be taught by a complete stranger that you never see again, but implementation requires relationship. Real implementation of truth has to occur in and through our daily relationships. This creates a problem for many today. Most people aren’t investing time and energy into building and maintaining quality relationships. We are more relationally hungry than ever, and more disconnected than we’ve ever been. When people learn new things, they rarely work them out in relationships. Social media allows us to broadcast and receive pithy sayings, as if collecting a cool quote or principle were the end goal. Our new facts and theories collect in our brains like moldering books in a forgotten library.   Knowing that Jesus taught us to forgive others in the same way that we have been forgiven is miles away from actually forgiving someone who has deeply hurt you. So, we learn more and practice less. It would be like showing kids a video about baseball, but then never heading to the field with a glove and ball to practice. It just doesn't work.

In the years ahead, I believe that churches who start more Bible studies while having fewer friendships will become weak and irrelevant. Another way to say this is that the Bible isn’t the point, how it leads us to live is.

So, if you feel stuck in place with your faith, I challenge you try a different approach. Don’t buy a new book or attend a new class. Find a friend. Forgive someone. Give to the poor. Sit by the bed of someone in the nursing home. It may be the breakthrough you need.

Photo Courtesy of Death To Stock Photo

The One Thing People Need From You (And How You Are Depriving Them Of It)

We need you.

Your friends need you. Your spouse needs you. Your kids need you. Your co-workers need you. People in your community that you have yet to meet, need you. They don’t need tons of your time or money or help, although those things are nice. What they need most, is something only you can give.

They need your experience.

You have made tons of decisions in your life, some good and some not so good. You have succeeded and failed. You have loved and possibly even been hurt in a relationship. As Christians, we believe that God is wrapped up in all of those events in life. He’s in the good. He’s there for us during the bad. The story of how God has interacted with you during those times in your life is a valuable gift that can be shared with others. When Moses was encouraging the nation of Israel before they entered the land of Canaan to live, he told them to love and serve God, “For your eyes have seen all the great work of the Lord that he did.” (Deuteronomy 11:7). Some wisdom isn’t found it books, it comes from a life lived, from what our eyes have seen and our ears have heard. Sadly, most of us never pass on (or sometimes even notice) the amazing things that we have learned. If you want to give your most valuable resource to the people that need it most, here are three things you need to start doing:

1)Watch

Sometimes life happens to you without you even noticing. It’s easy to get so caught up in the frantic pace of our lives, looking ahead to the future, that we forget that God is up to something here and now. There is something He is wanting to show you on even the most ordinary days. If you don’t watch for it, you might miss it. The large, dramatic events of our life aren’t the only time that God shows up. He’s always with you, which means there is always something new for you to see and learn.

2)Reflect

Setting up a time each day to look back and reflect on what happened is one of the most overlooked spiritual disciplines. Reflection is hugely important. It’s our chance to wrap our mind around our day, and to sort out all that went on, and all that it means. St. Ignatius set a time each evening to look back over his day and to talk to God about the good and the bad. Not only does setting a time of reflection sort out our own thoughts, it allows us to package the information that we hope to pass on to others.

3)Tell

It’s easy to believe that people don’t really care about what you have to say, and sometimes they don’t. That doesn’t change the value of what you have to offer. The ways you have seen God interact with you in your life is a valuable story for others. Some may ignore it, but others will cherish it. So, tell your story, and let others decide what they will do with it. All you can do is share, the rest is up to them.

You have a story to tell, and there are people who desperately need to hear it. So, take some time today and make a call or schedule a visit and share your heart. You’ll be glad you did.

Tears For Enemies: The One Skill The Church Needs Most

“For many, of whom I have often told you and now tell you even with tears, walk as enemies of the cross of Christ.”                                      -Philippians 3:18

Churches that treat people like enemies are missing the point.

Atheists are not our enemies. Homosexuals are not our enemies. Politicians are not our enemies, regardless of party. Muslims are not our enemies. If anything, they are exactly who we are to invest our love and care in.

There are people who don’t believe what you believe, and may never even come close to agreeing with you. There are even people who want to humiliate you for what you believe or prove you wrong if possible. You can call them enemies if you like, but you are never supposed to treat them as such. When Paul wrote to the church in Philippi, he talked about people who were working against him, spreading lies about him, trying to crush his reputation. Paul said that when he thought of those people it broke his heart; that he thought about them with tears. He didn’t ignore or explain away what they were doing. He just chose sorrow instead of anger when he thought of them. If the church is going to impact the world today, we need to become expert at loving people that we disagree with. Love is not an optional part of Christian life, it's mandatory. It’s not easy. It can’t be faked. It won’t be perfect, but it always has to be the goal. People may often combat your arguments, but it’s hard to explain away authentic care. When you trust the truth you know about God, you won’t need to become defensive when someone challenges it. You can hear them out and discuss it if possible, but you don’t have to hate them. You can simply choose to give them what God has given you, patience and love.  

Photo Courtesy of Death To Stock Photo

How To Avoid Guilt Trips

Guilt trips are brutal.

Especially if you have a sensitive heart that genuinely cares for others.

Everyone hates to be wrong, and we really dislike feeling that we have failed or let someone down. Someone at work or in our family that is set on getting their way can use these things against us by making us feel guilty (even when we've done nothing wrong). If you have a boss, co-worker, friend, or family member that loves to send you on a guilt trip, there are 2 important things to remember, that will allow you to battle back and retain your sanity: ask and avoid.

1)Ask yourself this question: Have I done something that is morally wrong?

Guilt trips owe their power to false guilt. False guilt is the feeling of guilt that comes to us even when we haven’t done anything morally wrong.  So, even though you may feel guilty, if you haven’t done anything morally wrong, you are not guilty. Many of us have come to believe, however, that it is our job to make everyone happy, and we feel guilty when we can’t do it. We don’t tend to say this out loud, but we believe it nonetheless. Add this to our tendency to blame ourselves first when things go wrong, and you have the recipe for a crushing guilt trip. But remember this…

It's not your job to keep the people you love or work with happy.

Not only that, it’s impossible. So let it go! When feelings of guilt arise after a talk with someone, stop and ask yourself, “Have I done anything morally wrong?” If the answer is “no”, then remind yourself that these feelings of guilt are just feelings and are not actually true. Before long those feelings will fade away, as feelings often do. As an example: it’s morally wrong to steal money from your co-worker when they are out of the office, it’s not morally wrong to say no when they ask if you can work their shift for them next Saturday.

2)Avoid long, drawn-out conversations with the guilters in your life.

People who are trying to guilt you into doing something for them love to have long conversations with you about how hard their life is, and how much they need you to come to their rescue. The longer the conversation, the more chance they have to find a way to flood you with guilt. The more they can get you to talk, the better able they are to trip you up! Remember this…

When your realize that someone is not accepting your polite refusal, but is continuing to push, the conversation has stopped being relational and started being manipulative.

The best way I have found to deal with this sort of manipulation is to become a good politician (is that an oxymoron?). Good politicians are not drawn into conversations they don't want to have. They do this by having set talking points that they repeat often during their campaign that highlights their strengths and minimizes their weaknesses. It doesn’t matter what you ask, they stick to the talking points. This tactic also works when dealing with the people in your life that try to guilt you into submission. Here is an example of what one such conversation might look like, and how you can handle it:

Your supervisor: Can you please stay later today and pick up the extra work that needs to be completed, no one else is able to, and I’m not feeling well.  (you know that she probably hasn’t asked anyone else…)

You: I actually worked over some last week, but I can’t today.

Supervisor: I only ask you because I know that you are such a good worker and care so much about our clients.

You: Thank you, I really do take my job seriously, but I can’t work over today.

Supervisor: Well, I know that you wouldn’t want your co-workers to think that you aren’t carrying your weight….

You: I can’t do it today, but I hope you are able to find someone to pick up the extra hours.

Supervisor: Well, I guess I’ll just have to do it myself, maybe my migraine won’t get much worse…..

You: Ok, I hope the rest of your afternoon goes well.

Stick to your message. Keep the conversation polite, but short and simple. Don’t get drawn into justifying yourself or talking about what other workers might be thinking or doing. This doesn’t mean, of course, that you can’t help out and work over from time to time, it just means that you need to avoid making decisions because you feel guilty. Practice these two techniques and you will avoid the dreaded guilt trip and will be able to make decisions free of manipulation.

Why Your Use Of The Truth May Be Pushing People Away

Last year a recurring problem in Somalia made the world news. People throughout the world were reaching out and sending food, medicine, and other critical supplies to help starving people in that country. The supplies, however, rarely reached the people that needed them so desperately. They were often intercepted by the very warlords and militias that had contributed to the poverty stricken condition the people were in. Once this problem was exposed and studied, it would have been insane to continue to blindly send aid in the same manner as before. Aid would still be needed, but the question of how to get the aid to the people who needed it would have to be addressed.

I love wrestling with difficult questions and seeking answers to problems. I used to believe that supplying people with the correct answers to their questions (often whether they asked or not) was one of the most important things you could do in life. I still believe that honest answers to questions are important, but I’ve learned something else now as well. In the same way that simply dumping food and medicine into Somalia had stopped doing any good for the people who needed it, simply dumping answers on people who I think may need them doesn’t do any good either. It’s possible that the people you are trying to help are no longer listening to the answers that you are offering. Here are three things to remember as you seek to help others:

1)Love comes before answers, not vice versa

A major failing of the church in the past 30 years is that it has often been focused on teaching its people right answers instead of teaching them how to love. We then unleash them on their jobs, communities, and schools to go spread the right answers. It’s been like sending someone to change light bulbs with a hammer. God’s plan for people is to love first and always. Everything else comes after that. If the person you are talking to doesn’t know that they are loved, the will never care about your answers.

2)Acts of love give meaning to words of love

It’s important to tell the people you care for that you love them. You should do it as often as you can, in as many ways as you can. Just saying the words isn’t enough though. In our fast-paced, hectic world one of the most difficult challenges we face is the fact that love takes time. Quick answers won’t do the trick, even if they are the right answers. Your co-worker that you care about, who keeps wrecking her life with toxic relationships, already knows that her relationships are awful. What she needs is someone who will spend time with her and love her even when she is a mess. Over time that love will help her find the courage to make the changes she needs to make. Sometimes the answers that people need can be delivered without saying a word.

3)Don't Rush In With An Answer

A quick answer to a heartfelt question can often make someone feel dumb or lazy. When people have the courage to ask a question our first goal should be to meet them where they are and to make sure they know that we care for them. For example, let’s say your middle school son comes in and says, “I’m sick of studying, everybody else just cheats on the quizzes and they have a better grade than I do. I’m not going to study anymore.” You could answer, “Christians don’t cheat. Those kids are going to have to answer for God one day for what they did in sixth grade Civics. Now, go study.” You just offered an 8 second solution to a problem that has been stressing your son all day. No matter how good you think your answers are, that’s a lousy way to treat someone. Take some time to appreciate where your son is before you jump in. Maybe something like, “Wow, that’s got to be really stressful. I think I would be super angry if that happened to me.” Let him know that what’s he feeling makes sense before you cram an answer down his throat. Better yet, work with him to help him find an answer, rather than just dropping one on his head.

When we love people, we try to help them. We try to answer questions. We try to solve problems, which is good because people need what you have to offer. While most of our efforts are motivated by love, just like the aid sent to the Somalian people, our help doesn’t always reach its intended target. Our preoccupation with giving answers often pushes people away.  Let your friends, children, and co-workers know that you have love for them before you let them know that you have answers for them. By doing so, you may help them receive and enjoy both.

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Why You Haven't Been Able To Let It Go: 3 Things You May Not Know About Forgiveness

If you were to skim the letters of the New Testament you would quickly surmise that the practice of forgiveness is at the heart of the Christian life. It’s a practice that all Christians are to engage in. Most people agree that forgiveness is a good idea. We become discouraged, however, when our attempts seem to fail and don’t bring the feelings we had hoped for. It’s not that forgiveness doesn’t work, it’s just that there were things you might not have been told about this life-giving Christian discipline. Here are three things you need to know to be able to forgive:

Forgiveness Is A Process

If someone bumps into you in a crowded mall or accidentally spills something in your home, forgiveness comes pretty easy. It can almost be instantaneous. We forgive them and it never really comes up again. Deep damage or more grievous wrongs might not be forgiven quite so easily. I’ve had several people confess to me that they feel guilty that they haven’t been able to fully forgive someone. They have tried, but the anger and hurt keeps coming back to their mind. I assure them that they likely have forgiven them, it’s just that they may need to continue forgiving them. Some damage has to be forgiven multiple times, even when the damaging act isn't repeated. Infidelity, betrayal, and damage to those we love are just a few of the things that may be so big that they have to be forgiven over and over. As you work through that sort of process you have to remember that you have forgiven, and you are forgiving. Stay with it. Ask God for endurance. You are doing the right thing, it’s just that some things have to be laid down several times before they stay down.

What Happened To You Matters

Some of us were taught that forgiving someone is when you tell them that what they did is no big deal. While some things are indeed small, others are not. You matter to God, and what happens to you matters as well. Forgiving isn’t saying that the wrong didn’t matter. It’s saying that the wrong mattered very much, but that you are choosing to lay it down and move on with your life. Forgiveness has to begin with an honest acknowledgment of wrong. It won’t always come from the person who has wronged you, but you have to be clear and honest about it with yourself. Only when the wrong is clear in your mind, can you choose to forgive it and set it aside.

Forgiving Isn’t Forgetting

We’ve all been told at some point to just forgive and forget. If you remember the hurt, we're told, then you haven’t forgiven it. But, that’s just not true. Some of the actions we forgive will ease from our memory, but not all, and that’s ok. We can’t make ourselves forget something. We can choose to not keep bringing it up or to not obsess over it, but we can’t choose to forget it. Memories of past hurts that have been forgiven bring less pain over time, but the memories may not go away completely. That's because the consequences of the damaging act may not go away completely. Forgiveness still has great power however,  and we can move on with our lives with more freedom and more peace, once we've chosen to let it go.

Forgiveness isn’t easy, but it’s healing and incredibly powerful. If you have something that you need to forgive, talk to God about it today. If it’s really big seek help from a counselor, minister, or close friend. It may be the best decision you have made in years.

How To Have Peace In An Unpredictable World

Everything changes.

Our bodies change. Our jobs change. Our friends change. People around us are constantly changing.  Foods that we used to hate as kids, we love now. Our streets look different. Or, how about this gross fact: every 27 days you shed all of your skin and have entirely new skin. Nothing stays the same.

It can be a little dizzying when you think about it. Much of our anxiety comes from the constant unpredictability we live in. How people think of you is constantly changing. What people expect of you is constantly changing. What will the economy be like in 2 years? How will my children do when they are on their own? Will I get sick? Things that seem ok today could change in a moment. There is only one constant in the universe that never truly changes.

God.

This attribute of God is called immutability. It simply means that God never changes, and it’s one of the most comforting bits of theology we have. Here are 3 things that God’s immutability mean for you:

1)You Are Perfectly Loved

You are not loved more when you behave better, at least not by God.  Neither are you ever loved less. God’s love for you is as great today as it was the day you were born. It will never diminish, and since it is perfect, and already at the maximum level possible, it could never increase. You can’t lose it, you don’t have to work to keep it. You are loved, now and forever.

2)You Are Completely Forgiven

Yeah, I know you’ve really messed up. We all have. I know, it’s hard to believe that you could ever be forgiven for that, but you are. God forgives, and doesn’t ever need to revisit it again. If you desire His forgiveness, you will have it. Also, God will not hold on to things to bring up against you later. One Bible writer paints the picture for us by saying that God separates us from our sins as far as east is from west. That means it’s time to stop feeling guilty for things that you have been forgiven for.

3)You Are Never Alone

Few things are as painful as loneliness, which is why it’s so  important to remember that God is with you and God will be with you. He will not change His mind about you. Run as far as you will, but if you desire God’s presence, it is there, a breath away. People may leave you or betray you. People move and people die. But God will never leave your side.

In a constantly changing world, God never changes. He is our port in the storm, and the stability that we need. I pray that these thoughts will bring you peace today!

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How To Survive When Life Is Breaking You Down

We’ve all been there. Maybe someone close to you died. Maybe the checks coming in don’t equal the bills going out. We’ve been betrayed, heartbroken, sick, and frail, and odds are, we’ll be there again. Life on this planet can be difficult, and sometimes we feel broken beyond repair.  In those dark places, where we can’t make sense of things and where even getting out of bed is a struggle, there is hope. Here are two lifelines to cling to when you feel that you can’t keep your head above water any longer:

I can’t be in control, but God is.

Our first reaction when life gets hard is to try to restore some measure of control to our lives. For those who have been rejected and hurt, we know that it’s impossible to control or predict how others will act. We can’t control our bosses decisions, or the pace of disease as it courses through our body. When life is hard, it feels like we have no control over anything at all. This typically amps up our anxiety or creates feelings of depression. In these dark helpless moments, control exists, and it’s in far more capable hands than our own. To remind ourselves that God is in control, even when we are not, gives us hope. God is bigger than your problems, your failures, or your inabilities. Not only is God in control, but He desires good for you and not harm. In the words of Old Testament prophet Jeremiah, God “knows the plans he has for you, plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.” (Jeremiah 29:11). Out of control isn’t so bad, when someone good and capable is in control.

I can’t figure it out, but God knows.

Not being able to make sense of things can be terribly difficult. Life will always have days that bring more than we can understand. People will hurt you for inexplicable reasons, things that seemed solid will shake, and things you trusted will break down. When life gets hard, we try to find all the answers, hoping that once we do, we’ll be able to more clearly see when bad things are coming and avoid them. No matter how hard we try however, we will never be able to see the future before it happens. We will never understand it all, but God does. You might not know the answers right now, but God is not in the dark. He is not anxious about the future. He understands your pain and what you need, and He loves you very much. The courage to believe this fact will get us through many dark days.

I pray that these truths will bring you comfort if you are in a hard spot right now. Don't give up.  Brokenness is not the end of your story, it is often the beginning of a chapter that is more incredible that you have dared to imagine. 

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Why Can't I Get This Right?!: How To Break Free From Your Past

I think I have found the least likely verse in the entire Bible to be put on a t-shirt:

                “Like a dog that returns to his vomit is a fool who repeats his folly.”

                                                -Proverbs 26:11

Go ahead and cross-stitch that on a pillow for the living room. I guarantee it will be a conversation starter!

It’s true though isn’t it? It’s so easy to repeat the unhealthy things we do and it always leads to the same predictable disappointment. We’ve all had those moments when we stop and realize that we are struggling with the same bad decisions, addictions, or fears that we were struggling with 10 years ago, and the thought makes us shudder. So how do we break the cycle and escape the bad decisions that are impacting our lives each day? Here’s a few things to consider:

Be Honest With Yourself

It’s much easier to keep life on cruise control and keep motoring along, than it is to stop and have an honest look at ourselves. Your ability to be honest with yourself hinges on your ability to trust that God’s love for you is bigger than your bad decisions. God doesn’t stop loving you when you sin. God hates the sin that is wrecking your life, but He loves you completely and unconditionally.

Be Honest With Someone Else

Getting your struggle out in the open is a big step on the path to dealing with it. It’s easy to ignore our mess when life gets better or busy, especially if no one knows about it but us. Admitting my struggles to someone else helps me see how real they are.  Don’t tell just anyone! Choose someone who loves you and who won’t judge you. Share what you are wrestling with, but don’t make excuses or explain it away. Be honest and be clear and if possible, ask for help.

Form a New Habit

Old habits don’t just go away. If a new habit isn’t formed in it’s place, old habits are nearly impossible to escape. As you think and talk through what you are struggling with, examine when it happens the most, and what triggers may bring it to the surface.  Choose a routine, activity, or thought process that you can engage in when those moments hit. Be patient, it takes 63 days for a habit to be deeply entrenched. You won’t be perfect, but you must be relentless. It will be worth all of the work!

We all fail, but failure doesn’t have to define us. As you work on your new habits, talk to God often. You are not in this alone, and He isn’t waiting for you to get your life straight to have a relationship with you. He wants the relationship He has with you to be what gives you strength as you grow.  

Photo Courtesy of Death To The Stock Photo

Give Me Eyes To See Beauty

I recently returned from a week-long mission trip in New York City. On our first day at the church we were partnering with, a minister named Ezze, shared with us her heart for the week. She stated, “I pray that God will give you eyes to see beauty in the Bronx.” That thought stuck in my head and became my prayer for myself and for my students for the remainder of the week. It’s a wonderful thought that is powerfully true.

Beauty is not only in the eye of the beholder, it’s the responsibility of the beholder. Fortunately, it’s a responsibility that God desires to help us with. What our world desperately needs are people who are committed to finding beauty in the most unusual and dark places. Most of us turn up our nose at the injustice and corruption in our world. We seek to insulate ourselves from it, and to protect ourselves from the pain it causes. The proper response as followers of Jesus, however, would be to engage the broken places instead of avoiding them, even though it can be costly. Rather than criticizing the mistakes and sins we see in people around us, we would be much more effective if we chose to call out the beauty that is hidden underneath. If the Bible is to be believed, then everyone was created in the image of God. It’s our job to look past the violence and hatred and find the beauty in the people that God loves so much (that’s everyone).

Christians at our best are seekers of beauty, we are to be people who love God so much, that we recognize his fingerprints even in the most heart-breaking places. Perhaps the most difficult challenge of all is to find beauty in ourselves. After all, we know all of the horrible things we have done, and even more troubling, all of the really messed-up things we think on any given day. We have been conditioned to look for and find the bad inside ourselves. Any hopes to grow in those things (and we all need to grow) can only happen after we have found the beauty that God has placed in each of us. In other words, to have the courage to turn from the damage that we daily do, we must hear God’s voice reminding us of His great love for us, and of our great purpose in the world (to love others well).  

So I offer the prayer I have been praying for myself  to you today as well, that God would give you eyes to see the beauty inside of you, and the courage and vision to find that beauty in the world around you as well. 

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The Essential Art of Saying "No" and How You Can Get Better At It

To live a healthy life we need the ability to say both “yes” and “no”. A healthy life doesn’t say yes to everything it is asked and it doesn’t say “no” all of the time either. To feel truly satisfied and fulfilled in life, you have to be in charge of your yes’s and no’s.  In other words, the more often you are able to say “yes” to something simply because you want to, and feel it’s the best course of action for you, the happier you will be. The same goes for saying “no”.  If you don’t feel free to say “no” at times in your relationships, then those relationships are not healthy.

This seems simple enough, but life is rarely simply. The complication comes with the fact that the people in your life don’t like to hear the word “no”. Some may get angry, some may give you the silent treatment, others may cry (usually those under age 5), and they all want you to give in and change your answer. Saying “no” and then sticking to our boundaries is a critical skill to have at work, church, and home. Are you having trouble saying “no” and sticking to it? Here are some possible reasons why….

You Are Saying No, But Explaining….

Your job isn’t to convince people in your life that you correct and justified when you decide to say no, it’s to simply communicate, “no”. If you need people to understand and buy into your decisions all of the time, then you are in trouble! A lot of times people won’t understand (everyone has blind spots), and many times they just won’t care!  You don’t have to explain yourself every time you make a decision. It’s your life, your time, and your energy, and you get to spend it however you choose.  Also, if someone is wanting to manipulate you into doing what they want, they will love your long explanations, because it gives them the time and opportunitiy to wear you down to get you to give in. It’s not rude to just say “no” and go about your business.

You Are Saying No, But Apologizing For It….

It’s not bad to say “no”. You don’t have to feel guilty when you can’t or won't give what someone is asking of you. It’s ok to disagree with what others may be saying or asking, and go your own way. If you apologize every time you say “no”, people will begin to assume that you are wrong, and will press you even more forcefully. The only healthy time to apologize is when you have done something wrong! Throwing out apologies all of the time is dishonest. If you are like me, you will mess up plenty in life, save your apologies for those times when you have actually done or said something wrong!

You Are Not Saying No At All….

Every skilled manipulator is looking for someone to run over. Don’t be that person for them! Your opinion matters, and your personal boundaries matter.  Standing up for yourself sometimes and saying “no” reminds people that you are a person worthy of respect. You matter and your thoughts matter, so don’t just go along with everyone else all of the time!

Saying “no” isn’t easy, but it’s a crucial part of a healthy life. I hope you will find the courage to practice your “no”, and that in doing so, you will be reminded of your value in the relationships in your life!

Photo Courtesy of Death To The Stock Photo