The Danger Of Needing Your Relationships Too Much

If you need your relationships to make you ok, you’ll never be ok.

In a previous blog post, I talked about the dangers of giving too much in relationships. While being too giving in relationships is dangerous, being too needy is a problem as well. We all know someone who defines themselves by their relationships, and most of us have done it ourselves at times. When the relationship is going well, life is going well. The skies are blue, the birds are singing, and everything is perfect! When the relationship breaks down however, life breaks down. It’s hard to get out of bed, and everything seems gray. It’s normal to be down when a relationship fails, it’s not healthy to feel as if you have nothing valuable left in your life.

There are some things you can only do for yourself.

It’s easy when you care deeply about someone to think very highly of their opinion. You admire that person or you wouldn’t be dating them or be their friend. The danger comes when you defer all of your thoughts and decisions to that person. Even if you think they are really smart, you shouldn’t share all of the same opinions. You need to be able to think for yourself. There are parts of you that won’t grow unless you take time to think through things for yourself. So, don't just adopt the viewpoints of others.

If you need someone for everything, you will eventually blame someone for everything.

When you go along with what your friends decide in situations instead of thinking things through and deciding for yourself, you will also blame your friends when those decisions go wrong. It’s a toxic cycle. In life, we are guaranteed to make mistakes. If we are humble, we can grow from those bad decisions. If you depend on others to make decisions for you, you will never learn by making the normal mistakes that the rest of us make. Few things hinder growth more than blaming others for the things that aren’t working in your life.

If you define yourself by them, you’ll never find you.

You matter. You have unique insights. You are a combination of talents and experiences that is unlike anyone else. When you live off of the approval of your friends or family, however, you will slowly stop being you, and start trying to be the person they think you should be. It’s important to listen to and learn from the people around us. That doesn’t mean that we should mindlessly become what others want us to be. The two most dangerous people in the world are those who listen to and follow every voice they hear and those who refuse to listen to or follow any voice.

Relationships are wonderful and life-giving, but you can only fully enjoy them, if you learn to be yourself first. If you are not happy with who you are before you have a relationship, you will never be happy with yourself in a relationship. 

Will Love Stop The Spread of Terrorism?

From her concert stage in Sweden last week, Madonna spoke words of love and hope in the aftermath of the nightmarish events in Paris.

Yeah, Madonna. 

Here’s a bit of what she said,

“Only love will change the world, but it’s very hard to love unconditionally, and it’s very hard to love that which we do not understand or that which is different than we are, but we have to or this will go on and on forever.”

Was she right?

Is love the only thing that will change the world? Will love and understanding stop terrorism?

Yes and no.

There’s a philosophical idea that’s popping up all over the world. It’s becoming popular in Christian circles, in politics, and even with entertainment elites. It’s a distortion of the Golden Rule.  The Golden Rule says,

                “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you”

That’s pretty good advice. Jesus uttered that thought over 2000 years ago, and mothers and school teachers have been uttering it ever since. The new philosophy gaining ground today builds on this thought. We’ll call it The Golden Rule 2.0. It says,

                “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you and they will do the same.”

That’s a very comforting thought. The only problem is that Jesus never promised that. The point of Jesus’ teaching isn’t that there’s a way to guarantee that people will treat you well. When we twist the Golden Rule to promise this, something very ugly happens. We can begin blaming victims for how they are treated.

I’ve worked with countless abused wives who were trying to pull their lives back together. An overwhelming majority believed in The Golden Rule 2.0. They would say things like “it’s my fault that he hit me, I shouldn’t have made him angry.” They would walk softly around their husband trying not to “set him off”. The truth is that no wife should ever be abused. Ever. Period. There is no excuse for abuse. There’s also no excuse for gunning down innocent men, women, and children.

So, will unconditional love stop terrorism?

No.

Are we still called to unconditionally love?

Yes.

We love unconditionally, but we are also honest. We allow each person to be responsible for their actions without making tons of excuses. Whatever happened to make an abusive husband an abuser doesn't change the fact that he is still the one responsible for reaching back and hitting his wife. He has to find a way to get better, and if he doesn’t, he needs to answer for his actions.

We love, not to change other people , but so that we will be changed. Those who choose love, always grow. It won’t stop terrorism, but it will crush selfishness , pride, and arrogance. There will be thousands of ideas put forward as to how to stop terrorism in the coming weeks and months, and I hope that our governments will find a way to address it. But on top of all of that, let’s choose love. Choose to love honestly. Choose to love without ignoring justice. Choose to love with grace. Choose to love and choose to forgive. Choose to love and choose to hope.

What To Do When Someone You Love Doesn't Love You Back

One of the most painful truths about love is that it doesn’t always flow both ways. Just because you love someone well doesn’t mean that they will love you back. Love is a choice, and like all choices it can be made well or poorly. Are your working hard to love someone who doesn’t seem to be invested in loving you in return? Here are three questions to ask yourself:

Why Is This Happening?

Some relationships can be strong for a while and then go through a rough patch. The death of a loved one, stress at work, or physical illness are just a few of the reasons that someone might not show love as well as they have in the past. The person you love may be struggling. They may not be aware of their struggles or how they are affecting you. Sometimes a bit of patience and grace are in order. Open up lines of communication. Tell him how you feel. Don’t belittle and don’t accuse. This may just be a bump in the road. If, however, 8 of the 10 months you have been dating have been bad, it may be time to reassess the relationship.

Why Do I Need Their Love So Much?

It’s never easy to feel alone or unloved. It’s hard when a relationship that seemed promising doesn’t grow to what you hoped it would be. This pain is more difficult, however, if you need someone’s love rather than want it. If you are only fully you when your special someone is treating you well, then you are in trouble.  You have to be comfortable with who you are before you can love someone else well. If you need their love and approval to be ok, you are more dependent than relational.  If that sort of dependence goes unchecked, things won’t go well in the relationship. If this sounds like you, it’s time to invest in other relationships. Don’t let one relationship gobble up all of your time.  Spend time with co-workers, friends from church , and family. Invest in others and let other people care for you. That way if one relationship breaks down, you will still have others to help keep you strong.

Why Am I Still Here?

If you have a friend who consistently treats you poorly, you may need to ask yourself, why am I spending time with this person? If you have been dating someone and waiting for them to change, it’s possible that you want or need to be dating someone else. I’m not advocating getting a divorce or putting your children up for adoption. Jumping out of relationships just because they don’t feel good isn’t healthy, but it’s equally unhealthy to hang on to someone who is toxic and treats you poorly. If you are able to date well, without settling for someone you hope will one day change, you can avoid dealing with tons of relational pain later.

Relationships aren’t easy, but they are worth it. Work through hard things with people you care for. Keep your commitments, but be honest with yourself as well.  Some relationships require greater dedication, some need to be ended. Whatever you do, do it with grace, and your relationships will grow stronger and be more satisfying.

Photo Courtesy of Death To Stock Photo